From Heaven Where I'll Watch
by thinkpink14148
Summary: Any true lover of "A Walk To Remember" will love "From Heaven Where I'll Watch" which touches upon the life of a teenage girl trying to cram all of 'life' into her five months left on earth. Love, betrayl, pain, and love again...is ever so bittersweet.
1. Prologe

Chapter # 1- May

Prologue

Nothing ever seemed to go my way. In someway it felt as if everyone was against me. And now I was here. In the years that were suppose to be the best years of my life, they now became the last months of my life. I didn't ask to get cancer, I didn't ask for the treatment to fail, I didn't ask for five months, I was just handed all these things. I don't know somewhere along the line I gave up, gave in, lost hope. It's hard and it's crazy. And every tear I've shed over it has been pointless. Being fourteen I will never see my wedding, high school graduation, or any other mile stones in life that average people take for granted. I won't even see another school year most likely. It's May, the end of eighth grade. And time seems to be against me right now, and I can't change that…ever.

The circle that we live on has twenty-four houses on it. In those twenty-four houses there are my two best friend's houses. They're Karen and Chelsey. We'd met long before I had gotten cancer. Actually we'd known each other basically our whole lives. We'd been there for each other through the good, and also the bad. Karen's mom died when we were all twelve. Her mom was a beautiful person, and had so much to give to the world, but with every perfection there were flaws. She drank a lot and she was a little screwed up in the end. She stopped caring and Karen's parents would fight all the time. I don't know how many phone calls I got from Karen near the end, begging me to let her come over; but there were a lot. Then one night there was a big crash and her mom didn't come home. The judge announced at court that Karen's mother had been drunk and the lawsuit made by one of the victim's family made a big dent in Karen's father's wallet. We didn't talk about Karen's mom. Karen didn't like too. And Karen wasn't anything like her mom. Karen had life, Karen was happy, and Karen was scared. Karen's dad didn't know how to raise a teenage daughter. He didn't know that it took hours of shopping to find clothes. Her father was lost, and didn't know where to turn. Chelsey's and my mother stepped in here. They took us all shopping, and did girl things with us, but it couldn't replace a real mom. Karen was a beautiful brunet with green eyes. She had a thin figure, and she surfed. The beach was only a mile from our circle. The beach was right on the Rhode Island coast. Karen escaped there, she ran from her fears, and she escaped life for a few hours. A place where she could scream and not be heard. It was a place where she didn't have to go to councilors, where she didn't have to talk while the guy wrote. She didn't have to feel completely insane.

Chelsey on the other hand had six siblings, and a very hectic life. She played softball, soccer, field hockey, and lacrosse. She didn't really surf, but knew how. Chelsey always said that having siblings was awful. She was right in the middle of them too. She had three older, three younger. She only had her own room because she was the only girl. Basically my house was her second home though. Karen and Chelsey were like my unofficial stepsisters. Chelsey was blonde and had blue eyes. She like us all had a slender figure. To me she looked like an angel, if she just had wings and maybe a halo.

Yeah our weekends together used to be full of sleepovers, and games of baseball with the boys on the circle. But that all changed when I got cancer when I was thirteen. We all broke down and cried together when we found out. We couldn't believe it was happening to us, and I couldn't believe it was happening to me. Life drastically changed. I stopped going to school, and started to live at the hospital. I couldn't go out and play. We couldn't go shopping, go to the movies, and go to the school dances. Instead we three way called every night. Sometimes we were on the phone from eight to three in the morning. They visited, and stayed longer then they were suppose to, but no one had the heart to make them leave. How could they, because everything was failing.

The chemo wasn't working, and the cancer just got worse, and worse, and worse. Then one day we got the news. Five months, after more than a year in the hospital. There was nothing they could do. They had made me sick with medicine, weak with chemo, and even given me blood, but none of it mattered, because they had given up. They had made the choice that it was over. They chose to do this to me, and I blamed them. Each and every one of them. They didn't know what it was like to know the end. They hadn't felt eyes staring at them. Just staring at them. Knowing that that person was thinking _oh God, that girl's really going to die._ And I'm sure there are those miracles out there. You know somewhere someone lives through this. But that wasn't my story. As much as I wanted it to be my story, it wasn't.

But the true story starts in May. The flowers just were just coming up, and the leaves just budding the trees. The air was warming, and the sun just soaked into your skin. The grass was turning from brown to green, and the sky was so blue. I hadn't seen a May outside of the hospital for over one year. And it was my last May forever, and I didn't plan to miss it for the world.

* * *

**Author Note:**

**Please please please Review!**

**I promise to post some more to this as I go along. I need to fix some things...it's been a while since I wrote this, but I really hope you guys like it!**

**Thanks**


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1:

Chapter 1: When No One Knows

In the hospital the windows were always closed. Then there were blinds in front of them. Then of coarse there were those thick green curtains that wouldn't let a lick of sunlight creep in. It was strange to be home. Here it was quiet. At the hospital there were always feet moving around, and people talking, or crying. It was always a forced happy, never a true happy. No one smiled naturally, because no one knew how anymore. There were twelve kids on my floor. All of us had cancer. Not all the same kind, but some form of it. I didn't really talk to them much. There was a girl across the hall who I played checkers with a lot during school hours when Chelsey and Karen couldn't be there, but we didn't really talk much. She was quiet. I think she was ten and she had no hair like all of us. She always was wheeled around in a wheelchair, and she had this pink rabbit that never left her side. We had talked once now that I thought about it. It was around Easter, and she just out of the blue told me that she liked the quilt on my bed. Then she just like that stopped talking, and never spoke again. I think she died a few months later, like somewhere back in August. The tenth month I was at the hospital. Tenth out of the eighteen months.

I sat staring out the window. The sun was beating in and the air had that sweet smell. There were flowers just outside the window. Bees were flying back and forth between the flowers. My arm held up my head as I just looked out over the yard from my first floor bedroom window. The wooden floorboards in my room creaked. I turned slowly around smiling.

"Hey Guys" I said looking at Karen and Chelsey.

"See you ruined it!" said Chelsey throwing her hands up in the air at Karen.

"Well sorry" said Karen sarcastically.

"Well anyway" said Chelsey turning to me "We have invited ourselves over."

"For our first out of Hospital sleepover in one year, eighteen months to be exact." Finished Karen.

"And no you may not say no to this offer." Added Chelsey pointing her finger at me.

"Hey I'm all for it" I said standing up slowly.

"Now don't hurt yourself" said Karen sarcastically.

"I'm fine you guys" I laughed. "So what are we doing?"

"The usual" said Chelsey.

"Hair" said Karen.

"Make up" said Chelsey.

"Movie"

"The usual" I said smiling.

"Oh" said Karen "And you _have_ to meet Toby Wilkins. He's a major hottie!"

"Dear Lord, I'm home one day and you're already setting me up with a guy!" I laughed.

"Me" said Karen pretending to be appalled with the statement "Setting_ you_ up with a _guy_! That's unheard off!"

"Lets see" said Chelsey counting on her fingers "The boy in ICU, the boy in your fifth grade class, the boy next door, the boy at the beach, the boy at the skate park, oh the list goes on and on" said Chelsey wiggling her five fingers in Karen's face.

Karen just rolled her eyes and grinned. "So a few failed attempts, _but_ I swear Toby is worth a look!"

"Forget it Karen!" I said.

"Why!" screamed Karen smiling.

"What kind of guy would want to go out with me?" I said looking her square in the face. I wasn't smiling anymore. Actually I had a very stern face on. It was one of those faces I had learned to show no emotion what so ever. "I have short hair, I'm sick, and I'm dieing if you've forgotten."

"A ton of guys would still like you" said Karen grabbing my arms. On Karen the face was powerless. "Look at you, you're still so full of life. No one can take that from you yet. Please Abby just be happy while you still can."

"Yeah Abby be happy" said Chelsey smiling "And lets get out of this room!" yelled Chelsey and pulled the two of us by our arms out of my room.

"Lets have some fun" said Karen looking at me.

"Totally" said Chelsey looking at me as well.

I hesitated and looked down. "I haven't seen anyone in over a year."

"They've changed" said Karen.

"And you're the talk of the circle." Added Chelsey.

"It's time that Abby comes out, literally," said Karen, and we walked out the door.

The air was so warm. The lawn was yellow-green, and the smell of the ocean could just be caught in the nice breeze coming from over the tree tops. On our twenty-four house circle there were numerous amounts of kids. And with the high amount of kids there were _groups_. And in our little groups we would play games against each other such as baseball, bike races, and when winter rolled around sledding contest with the occasional snowman building contest followed by snowball fights. And as true as anything can be stated we were all highly competitive people. And as it was May the trees were just starting to fill and the grass in the massive field in the middle of our circle was just starting to get long.

There was a baseball game going on in the far left corner and the more girly sort were playing Double Dutch just a few feet from my house. The Double Dutch girls were really good, and when I say really good I mean like so great that they can do rapid fire twirling of the ropes and jump into the ropes with such ease that you would think that it had become their second nature, which in a way you could say did. Though as I was watching all this happen Chelsey and Karen seemed to be taking no notice and were just scanning the field for the so called _Toby the hottie_. To me this was so awkward and so unnatural to be seeing all these kids again, and to be hearing real laughter outside of Chelsey, Karen, and I. I had forgotten what it was like to feel totally free. And yet I was still trapped in my own skin. And the clock was slowly ticking to its final months, and there was still nothing that I could do about it. And that feeling right there is what it's like to know that there is absolutely no hope left. And that was the worst feeling to feel when you are so close to being free. To finally having freedom from the thing you want to keep the least of all in your life. It was like drowning, and not even caring that it was happening. It was like you were just sitting there waiting, and knowing that it was almost there. And all that went racing through my mind till Karen's voice rang into my head.

"Hey" Karen was pointing across the field at the baseball game. "There he is."

"Yup that'd be him" said Chelsey shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand. "The one, the only, Toby Wilkins." She smiled and looked at me. "What do you think? Hottie or not?"

"She can't say now!" said Karen to Chelsey. Then she added slyly "We have to get closer for a much deeper introduction."

"Great" I said sarcastically.

"Come on Abby!" said Karen pleadingly.

I stared down at my feet mulling over in my head. A guy? Now? A part of me said yes, but the same invisible force in me said no. Then I looked at them. Karen and Chelsey: They had been through everything with me. The least I could do was meet this guy for them…_I guess_. "Fine" I finally said. Karen made one of those squeals of joy that she makes when people agree to do what she asks them to do. "No promises though" I added pointing my finger at her sternly.

"Fine, fine, fine" said Karen holding up her hands "I understand."

"No you don't" laughed Chelsey.

"Shhhhhh" said Karen to Chelsey laughing. "I can lie if I want." She added under her breath, but in a tone where I could still hear, and she knew I could still hear.

So with that behind us we headed down my concrete front steps, across the road where the girls were playing Double Dutch and across the field to the opposite side where the baseball game was being played. The sun hadn't gotten a chance to dry out the grass yet so it was still green, yet of course there were some bare patches where there was no grass at all. Scattered patches of shade laid on the field from the ten pine tees, and then the hill on the far side right next to the baseball game had younger spectators on the top of it under one and only pine tree up there.

The people playing were the oldest of the boys on the circle. They were either in our grade, which was eighth, or they were freshman and sophomores. There was a mix of them in their groups. Up at bat were the boys that you would always see riding their skateboards around the circle, or down on the beach sidewalks. Then out in the field were the more basketball, football, and street hokey people. They had a tendency to play basketball in David's driveway, which was about the size of a half a basketball court, and it had a hoop not attached to the garage, which meant no dents. David was a freshman this year, and he was an awesome surfer who Karen would ride waves with a lot. David also lived three houses down from me. He was really cool to hang out with. When I came home from the hospital one time during my stay at the hospital he came over and we just sat and talked for almost four hours, because Chelsey and Karen were at day camp. That was around the time treatment was starting to fail, late August, and I was scared, and David and I had just talked as if we had all the time in the world left.

When we had gotten across the field Karen waved at some of the guys. I recognized David right away, he was standing on the pitchers "mound" if you could even call it that, it was more of like a circle of no grass.

"Abby" he yelled and ran over taking off his baseball cap. A line of sweat where the baseball cap had rested stayed stuck to his forehead. Then he picked me up and spun me around. "God it's been like forever" he said putting me down.

"You've grown since last summer," I laughed. The people around the field were whispering and pointing. The game had stopped, and the others were making their way over to the four of us: Chelsey, Karen, David, and I.

"So you're home!" said David.

"Yeah, for a while" I said smiling.

"They let you out of the cancer house" said David. He called the hospital the cancer house, because he thought that it was stupid to stay locked up in a place where he said you had no privacy. Which was true and false in ways.

"Umm, didn't you hear?" I said looking down at my feet. _Here we go_, I thought silently to myself.

"There's been stories" said David. "I was hoping they were lies, I've heard so many."

"I don't know what you've heard." I said still not looking him in the eyes. I could feel everyone listening to every last word that was slipping from my lips.

"And it doesn't matter" butted in Karen.

"Right" said David clearing his throat "Well, umm, yeah our game" he pointed at the field. "I guess we should like get, umm, back to it" he said shaking his head yes to his words. "Talk to you, umm, latter?" he added questionably.

"Yeah" said Karen for me. Then the game started again. Standing on the grass waiting to hit was Toby Wilkins. "Oh Abby lets go say hi" she pointed at Toby.

"Yeah…sure" I said and looked up, and forced on a smile. I didn't know that David didn't know. It was going to break his heart. He felt like an older brother to me. We had grown up together.

So Chelsey, Karen, and I walked around the outfield, and over to the batters.

"Hey" said Karen waving to Toby.

Toby waved and headed over to Karen, and us. "Hey what's up?" he asked once he got over to us.

"This is Abby" said Karen to Toby.

"Hey" said Toby smiling, and I could tell that he was looking up and down at me.

"Nice to meet..." I stopped, and looked past him.

"Umm earth to Abby," said Karen after a few moments of me just staring past Toby."

"What? Oh, yeah, sorry" I said to Toby, "Umm would you forgive me for a moment while I…" I walked past Toby, and I walked over to another one of the batters over with the other guys. "Excuse Me," I said to the boy. He had blonde hair, and Irish skin with freckles across the bridge of his nose.

"Hey" said the boy turning around and looking at me. He just stood there and looked at me in the eyes. "Do I know you?" he finally asked, and he sounded as if he really wanted the answer to be yes.

"I'm Abby" I said. I couldn't peel my eyes away from his blue-eyed stare.

"Bobby." Said the boy. "I feel like I've seen you or know you, and if I haven't or don't then I really want to." He said smiling.

"Abby" said Karen walking over and stepping between Bobby and I. "What are you doing?" she hissed, "Toby is standing right over…"

I grabbed Her arms and spun her around to face Bobby.

Then she whipped right around again. "Oh!" she said softly under her breath smiling. "Never mind" she said, and she turned and left.

"Your friend?" asked Bobby.

"Yeah" I said smiling.

"Hey Bobby!" yelled David from the pitcher mound. "You're up, so you can stop flirting with Abby." Yelled David. Snickers came from the boys in the field.

"I have to go…" started Bobby.

"Go to bat…" I added.

"But I'd really like to talk to you…." He asked questionably.

"After the game." I finished.

"Great"

"Great"

"So I'm" he pointed at the field. "Going to go, but _after_?"

"After" I said shaking my head.

"Ok"

"Yeah"

"Lets go!" yelled David pointing to the home plate.

"Kay, latter" said Bobby, and headed for the plate walking backwards. Then he turned, and whacked the ball into the outfield on the second try.

And before I could blink Chelsey and Karen were glued to my sides.

"Bobby!" screamed Karen under her breath in excitement.

"Freshman" added Chelsey.

"Major hottie."

"Just moved in two months ago."

"Into the old Stillman's place."

"And he was checking you out!" screamed Chelsey.

"I know!" I said under my breath, "and we're talking after the game!"

"Ahhh" we all screamed softly. Well maybe this would turn out to be a good May. No wait, from the looks of it now, a _great_ May.

The game seemed to go on forever. In my head all I could think about was what I was going to say, and truly I was drawing a major blank on anything to say. I just couldn't take my eyes off of him. I could see him glancing over at me every few seconds. In a way this was another strange thing to me. I had never had a real crush on anyone and had the possibility of that person actually liking me back. No matter how many times Karen tried to hook me up it just never worked, and the whole term boyfriend had never reached my vocabulary. But I wanted this so bad! He was perfect on the outside, and I was certain that he was just as perfect on the inside too.

When the game finally did end it was a score of 7 to 10. Bobby's team lost, and David's team won. Karen, Chelsey, and I had been sitting on the grass watching the game from the sidelines, but I jumped up the moment the last strike was called.

"Hey" said Bobby walking over and pulling off his glove.

"We're going to leave," said Karen pointing over towards David, and pulling the protesting Chelsey with her.

"You're all sweaty" I said smiling.

"It was a hard game" said Bobby, he was smiling and he had the most perfect white teeth.

"You're really good" I added.

"Thanks" answered Bobby scratching his head. "You want to walk with me" and he pointed down the field, the way that Karen, Chelsey, and I had come.

"Sure" I said smiling. So we turned and started walking.

"So" said Bobby drawing out the word for a while. "How long have you lived here, I've never seen you?"

"I've lived here all my life." I started. "But I'm not always home."

"Why not?" he asked, and from his voice he really didn't know.

"I've been in the hospital for the past eighteen months." I said

"Oh" said Bobby shocked. "Why?"

"I have cancer." I said looking up at him.

"You're much too pretty to have cancer" said Bobby smiling as if the statement didn't really bother him.

"Stop pulling my leg" I said smiling, for once there was a person who didn't feel the need to pity me.

"No really you're really…"

"Abigail!" yelled my mother from the front steps. "Dinner is ready and you shouldn't be out side so long. Think about your health!"

I grimaced and turned to look at Bobby "I have to go" I said with a hint of apology in my voice.

"That's cool" said Bobby shrugging his shoulders. "I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah I guess."

"Abigail! Right now dinner's getting cold."

"Ok bye" I said and walked up to the front steps.

"Abigail inside and wash your hands" said my mother. She was worried, always worried. Nothing scared her more than losing me faster than she had too. I don't think she wanted me to come home. I think she wanted me in that hospital room forever, as if she was just waiting for all the doctors to say that they were wrong. That I wasn't dieing. Or that they had over looked something, and there was a cure. Her daydreams never came true. As much as everyone wanted them to come true they never did.

Mom closed the glass door sharply behind me as I walked inside.

"Abigail! You were outside much too long! Think about all the germs outside in that field." She stopped and stared out the window. "I don't want you worrying me like that. I thought you were inside. You could have at least told me you were going outside." Her tone was harsh and yet very worried and sad at the same time.

I was mad though. "I'm _sorry_ that I didn't want _you_ following _me_ around!" I yelled at her.

"Well obviously I have to follow you around if you're running around the town with boys covered in dirt in your condition!"

"Running around the town!" I yelled. "With a boy covered in dirt mom! Honestly can't you see I'm fourteen! You don't even know him and already you're judging him! You're always judging!"

"Hold your tongue Abigail!" said my mom sternly.

"No! Ever since I came back you've been watching over me like a hawk. It's as if you're expecting me to fall over at any moment!"

"I'm watching out for you." Said mom her lip quivering.

"I'm not a child!" I yelled.

"You're still my little girl." Her lip still quivering.

"Stop treating me like a baby!" I screamed.

"You're sick." Tears slipping down her face. "I let you get sick. My daughter is dieing before my eyes. How am I suppose to act!"

"I'm not your only girl!" I yelled "And do you think it's any easier on you than on me!"

She wiped her eyes and looked me in the face. "I love you" she said fighting back more tears, "And I will do what I think is right."

"Just kill me now why don't you!" I yelled. Tears pooled up in her eyes again and she sat down on the couch with her face in her hands. I couldn't be in there any more. I walked out of the family room and down the hall to my bedroom. I slammed the door, and flopped down on my bed. I stared up at the ceiling. She was ruining everything. She was always ruining everything. And she never got it. She never got anything! No one knows what it's like to be me. No one.


	3. Chapter 2

Chapter 2:Hidden Truths

Chapter 2:Hidden Truths

Dad came and knocked on my door about an hour latter.

"Do you want any dinner?" he asked from the door. He held it open just a crack so that there was a small line of light was coming in from the hall.

"No" I said still staring up at the ceiling. The room was starting to get dark as the light was fading outside.

"Abigail, for your mother's sake, please come have something."

"No" I simply said and rolled over. My back was to him just standing there in the doorway.

He paused. Tears were brimming on my eyes. Silence filled the air. Then the door clicked shut and foot steps faded down the hall.

The room slowly got darker, and crickets started to serenade the first stars. Tears were sliding slowly down my face and hitting my comforter. Cars whizzed by on the street as people were coming home to their families. Then a tapping came from the window. I rolled over slowly, wiping the tears from my eyes at the same time. And there stood Chelsey and Karen in the flowerbed just outside my window. I stood and walked over to the window. The room was almost completely dark now. Long shadows were cast from the furniture in the room. I opened the window.

"Hey" said Chelsey.

"What are you two doing here?" I asked annoyed almost to see them.

"Excuse me!" said Karen waving her hands around, "sleepover! Remember!"

"Not tonight." I said and started to close the window.

Karen pushed her hand against the glass and stopped it from closing. "What's the matter?" her eyes were so confused.

My hand dropped from the glass. "Just go home." I whispered fighting back the tears welling up in my eyes.

"Not till you tell us what's going on." Said Chelsey pulling the window open all the way.

"You don't understand!" I whispered.

"Then make us." Said Karen looking at me.

"All I wanted was to come home." I whispered.

"And now you are" said Chelsey smiling.

Tears started to slide down my cheeks.

"Abby" said Karen looking at me.

"All I wanted was to come home!" I whispered my voice shaking. "And she don't want me home."

"Who Abby? Who doesn't want you home?" said Karen.

"My Mom…." Tears started to run down my face so hard I couldn't see anything.

Then some arms were wrapped around my shoulders a few seconds latter.

"She wants you home Abby, everyone wants you home." Said Karen's soft voice into my ear.

"No she doesn't!" I whispered. "She never wanted me to come home. She wanted to leave me in that place forever if…….."

"If what Abby?" asked Chelsey. She too must have climbed through the window into my room.

"You wouldn't understand." I whispered.

"I lost my mom when I was twelve, Abby I think I understand a lot more than you think."

I just shook my head no into her shoulder. "It's not the same Karen!" I wanted to yell, but it came out as a whisper.

"How would I not know what it's like if I'm losing a friend before my very eyes and I know her every last secret?" asked Karen.

"She wants her back! She wants her back more than me!" I screamed at Karen. "Is that what you want to hear!" Tears kept pouring down my face.

"Why would you say that?" asked Karen holding my shoulders so I had to look her straight in the face.

"They talk!" I screamed at her. "I always hear them talk! In the hospital they were talking right outside the door! They thought I was asleep! My mom said that life would be better if I stayed there, and Dad wanted me home! They were arguing! Right there out in the hall! Mom wanted me to stay! She wanted me to stay so that maybe she'd have me longer. She was wrong! She's always wrong!" I collapsed to the floor shaking from crying.

"Abby I didn't know!" said Karen kneeling down on the floor next to me.

Then from the hall the door opened.

"Abby?" Dad walked in. I could only tell from his voice. "What are you two doing here?" he asked questionably.

"We were just leaving." Said Chelsey and pulled Karen by the hand out of my room as I was wiping tears from my eyes.

"Abby what's going on?" asked dad as he walked into the room.

"Go away." I whispered.

"Not till you tell me what's going on."

"GO!" I screamed tears rolling down my face once more. I pointed to the door.

"Abby" he tried again.

"No! Go!" I screamed, and he turned slowly and left. He shut the door and headed down the hall, his footsteps fading, and from the kitchen low mumbling came drifting down to my room. They were fighting again, I knew they were. I curled up on the floor and just fell asleep crying.

I woke up on the floor. Tears lines were crusted on my face. The morning sun was sparkling on the dew-covered lawn. I pushed myself up slowly and walked over to the mirror hanging on the wall. My brown hair hung limply along my face. Everything was falling apart. I couldn't see how anything could get worse. How could it when there was nothing else to go wrong? Then there was a knock on the door.

"Abby?" it was my mom's voice.

"What" I said to the door.

"Breakfast is on the table." She said to the door. I think she was afraid to open the door, that I might start yelling at her like I had Dad.

"Fine" I said and turned back to the mirror. I didn't look like my mom. Kimberly had always looked more like mom. It was hard for people to really think that we had been twins. Had been. But that was the past, and I didn't like to go there in my past, because some things are meant to be left there. Left in the deep corners of your mind where no one will know them if you haven't told them or if they haven't already known themselves. That was the thing about Kimberly, I wanted to forget her so much, that I remembered her more.

I walked out of my room, down the hall, and into the kitchen.

"Good morning" said Mom.

I just replied with silence and sat down at the table.

"What would you like? We've got pancakes, eggs, bacon, anything you want." Her voice was so chipper. She had a smile on her face, but it was like she was hiding something.

"I'm just going to have cereal" I said and walked over to the pantry. I pulled out some Frosted Flakes and walked over to the cupboards for a bowl.

Then the phone rang. "Oh I'll get it" said Mom and looked at the wall, the portable phone wasn't there. "Gosh darn that father of yours. I tell him to put the phone back…." And she kept mumbling to herself as she walked down the hall and to the study for the other phone.

I just turned back to my cereal and started to pour it into the bowl when a sheet of paper caught my eye. I put down the box and picked it up. It was a crisp white legal document with my worst nightmare spelled out on the top _Divorce_.

I was speechless. _No, this can't be happening_ just kept going over and over in my head. The paper was clamped in my hand and I was staring at it such disbelief that I didn't even see Mom walk back in.

"Abby that was…" she paused and stared at the paper "Abby we were…"

"You were what! Going to tell me?" I yelled angrily. "I highly doubt it! You never tell me anything!"

"Now Abigail there's no need for that tone. Your father and I were…" she started.

"Were going to ruin everything!" I screamed angrily and stormed past her and to the door. My hand was on the handle when she spoke.

"We didn't want to make you even more upset." She tried.

"Well guess what you just ruined it even more!" I screamed whipping around to face her.

"Abigail…."

"No Mom! You don't get it! You never get it!" I yelled tears rolling down my cheeks.

"When your sister moved on….."

"She died Mom, _died,_ she's _dead_!" I sobbed and ran out the door and down the road. I didn't want to talk to Mom. I didn't want to remember _her_, not anymore.


	4. Chapter 3

Chapter 3:

Chapter 3:The Last Straw

There was nothing but me and my feet hitting the pavement. I wasn't going to stop running. They couldn't be doing this, not now. I turned off the circle and headed down the connecting road that leads to the beach just a mile down. Tears kept running down my face, but I didn't care. I just wanted to get away. To get away from everything in my life that was slowly but surly dragging me to my doom. Drowning me. Which was kind of ironic because the place that my feet were carrying me to was the beach.

At the beach there is a stone building that sells hot dog and other food during the summer, but it was still too early in the season. I stopped and leaned against the wall of the building breathing deep. I wiped the tears from my face and was about to walk out onto the beach when I started to hear voices on the other side. I walked to the corner of the two walls and listened. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Oh my God, my Dad would kill me if he knew I was doing this!" Then there were spurts of laughter from both people. It had been a girls voice that sounded kind of familiar in a way.

"Thank God they haven't figured it out yet." This time a boys voice which again seemed familiar.

"_Thank God_! More like absolutely necessary!" said the girl.

"But I know you love it" said the boy.

"Yes I do love it," said the girl then there was more laughter. I knew that laugh. But who was it? Then it dawned on me. It was _Karen?_ But why? Why of all places was she sitting behind a building with a guy? "You know what David?" stammered out the voice. David? Why was she: with David, behind a building, doing something that her Dad couldn't know about? And further more why wasn't I informed about what she _was_ doing? "We're so high!"

I took a sharp intake of breath and laid my body flat against the wall. My mouth just hung open. I couldn't believe it. This wasn't happening. Not on top of everything else.

"Did you hear something?" asked the guys voice that obviously was David.

"No" Karen dragged out. "Why? Did you?"

"Yeah" said David. "It sounded like it was coming from over there." I suspecting he was pointing at the corner. Shoot, the corner. I had to hide. Wait there was no place to hide, and then it was too late.

"Abby!" said Karen in shock.

"Shoot" said David and pushed his fingers through his hair and kept his arm there. "umm, so how much did you hear?" Karen elbowed him in the ribs. "Owww" he said and turned to her. "What was that for!"

"Just shut up" mumbled Karen under her breath.

He just turned and looked at me again. He forced on a smile. "So, Abby, what brings you down here?"

"Shut up." I said. "I overheard you" I said pointing at the wall. "And what" I said turning to face Karen "were you thinking! Since when do you and him" I said pointing back and forth between Karen and David "do things together!"

Karen sighed one of those sighs that you know means a person doesn't want to talk about it. "Abby it was nothing, really. David and I were just, ummm, well you see" she stammered.

"Were just getting stoned" I said angrily and turned and started walking away.

"Abby, please listen." She tried, but I didn't stop walking. Then there were running footsteps.

"Go away." I mumbled angrily under my breath once she caught up.

"Look, David and I only did this one other time ok. It's nothing."

"Cut the bull Karen" I said and strode off ahead of her. She stopped.

"Abby" she yelled pleadingly. "Just listen, please."

I whipped around. "Listen! Is that what you want me to do listen, so you can come up with some excuse! Well listen to this! My parents are getting divorced! Yup divorced. So when I'm gone" I yelled pointing at me "you won't have to deal with anymore Cambrids! We'll all just be out of your hair. Out of your dumb, high, stupid hair."

"Abby" said Karen tears slipping down her cheeks. "Stop Abby, stop!" she cried. "I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go." She said shaking her head from side to side. "Abby Cambrids, your like my sister! I didn't know ok, I didn't know! I didn't think you'd find out, I didn't know your parents were having problems, I didn't know ok. I didn't know" she yelled tears streaming down her face.

"Well now you do" I said, tears welling up in my eyes, and walked I away.

The sun was beating down on the beach sand, which burned my bare feet as I walked. The ocean was crashing down onto the shore and sea gulls screamed for food. No one was on the beach. Karen and David had to be a mile back by now. I plopped down on the sand and put my head in my hands. _How could they do this? Why did they do this? _Not just Karen and David, but Mom and Dad! Everything was falling through the last cracks. There was nothing to hold onto, just a black abyss plunging deeper and deeper into the sea. And then I couldn't hold it back anymore I started to scream at the top of my lungs out at the ocean. I jumped to my feet and ran at the ocean and started kicking the waves. I screamed about all of _them_: Karen, David, Mom, and Dad. I screamed about cancer, chemo, hospitals, nurses, and doctors. I screamed about divorce, car accidents, empty bedrooms, and I screamed at the top of my lungs the whole time. No one could stop me, and no one cared. Because no one was there, so no one could hear. It was just me and the ocean. The ocean and I. Both of us screaming and slashing with all our might. And no one could stop us, even if they had tried.

I must have stood there for an hour or two screaming, swearing, and so forth. When I walked back onto the beach fuming but feeling almost better I was drenched. I sat down on the beach, I didn't care, sand never killed anybody. I sat there staring at the ocean, the sun drying my skin, then I stood and tried to brush off some of the sand. Then I started walking back. Mom was probably worried sick, I didn't care. After fifteen minutes of walking I finally got to the road back to my house from the beach. Out ridding the waves were David and Karen. I didn't want to think about them, but a rush of anger came across me and I yelled at the top of my lungs out at them.

"I HATE YOU!"

I saw Karen's head turn and stare at me. I couldn't see the reaction on her face. I turned and started down the road. When I reached the circle I didn't want to go home. The littler boys were playing baseball. The usual girls were doing Double Dutch. I looked around and there he was. Bobby.


	5. Chapter 4

Chapter 4:

Chapter 4:No One Knows What To Say

There he was, just sitting on the steps in front of his house. He had his cell phone glued to his ear and he was shielding his eyes to the bright sun. His house was one of the three houses that had a white fence around the yard. Flowers were blooming on the inside and outside of the fence. I leaned against the fence and he looked my way. He mumbled something into the phone and then hung up.

"Hey" he called and stood up on the steps.

"Hey" I yelled back. My voice was hoarse from screaming.

"Got a sore throat?" he asked.

"Nah, just was screaming at my mom" I called back "and a few other people." I added under my breath.

"Want to come in?"

"Sure" I called and headed for the gate. I walked into the yard and he stood on the steps then we walked into his house. A blast cool air welcomed us as we walked in. In most towns you wouldn't need AC this time of the year, but in our town we got harsh, hot, humid summers quicker then most parts of the state. He lived in a Raised Ranch and when we entered the stairs going down and up were right in front of us.

"Sorry it's a mess," said Bobby as we headed up the stairs. We were now in the family room. There were tan couches and a big screen TV in the room.

"It's no problem," I answered.

"So, Abby" said Bobby as we sat down on the couches together, "Ever played any video games before?" He handed me a controller and flicked on the TV by the remote.

"Yeah, I've played some while I was in the hospital with Karen, Chelsey, and David."

"Oh you're friends with David?" asked Bobby.

"Yeah" I started to say then my mind raced back to the beach. "No actually not really." I finished.

"Why?" asked Bobby.

"It's nothing" I said shaking my head and looking at the TV screen. "What are we going to play?"

"Oh, Ok, umm I have Halo, Mario, racing, whatever you want to play."

"I don't care, just pick" I said. It must have come out kind of angrily due to my anger at Karen and David at that time in my head, because Bobby put down his controller and looked at me.

"What's the matter?" he asked looking at me strangely. "It's not me is it?"

"No, I'm just kind of mad at Karen at the moment right now" I answered.

"Oh well I can't really help you there but…" he started to lean in towards me and then out of no where he started to kiss me. _What the hell was he doing? This was suppose to help me how!_ Then there were footsteps coming up the stairs and a girls voice.

"Hey Bobby I came over to, oh" the voice stopped and looked into the family room. Bobby pulled away. There stood a blonde girl with blue eyes. She had on a light pink minny skirt with a v-neck white tank top. She was holding a Coach purse and she had sunglasses on the top of her head.

"Hey Annie" said Bobby pulling away quickly and jumping up from the couch. "Let me just go grab that book you left here." Bobby walked down the hall and came back holding a science book.

"Can I talk to you?" asked Annie sternly and pointed out the door.

"Yeah, sure" said Bobby his eyes darting between Annie and I. They walked outside and into the yard. I just sat there for a few moments and then I walked over to the window on the next wall. I pulled back the curtains ever so slightly and watched. Annie was yelling at Bobby. Her arms were moving this way and that. I couldn't actually hear what they were saying so I went back to the couch and sat down. Bobby came back a few moments latter and flopped down on the couch next to me. He didn't start speaking right away but then he turned and looked at me.

"I hate science partners" he said shaking his head.

"She's your science partner?" I asked.

"Yup" he said.

"So" I said and stopped.

"So? So what?" asked Bobby.

"Oh nothing" I finished.

"You like saying that don't you" he laughed.

"Yeah kind of a habit."

"So where were we" he said leaning in again.

"Bobby, stop" I said and pushed him away. I stood up and he just stared at me.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm just not sure if we should be kissing right now. I mean I just met you yesterday.

"And…" he asked as if that was no problem.

"I'm just not sure OK" I said.

"I just kissed you," he said laughing. "My science partner came over my house just out of the blue ten seconds ago, I barely know her, and yet I didn't feel unsure about it."

"I'm just not sure" I said and sat down on the couch. We were both silent for a while, then he turned to me.

"What grade are you in?"

"I'm not in school."

"Why not" he asked.

"Because I've been too sick."

Then he was silent again and just stared at the wall.

"How long have you been sick with that cancer thing?"

"They found it a week after my thirteenth birthday."

"That sucks."

"Yeah, it really does."

"So you're cured I guess."

"Nope"

"Then why are you home?"

"They gave up," I answered shrugging my shoulders. It was the simplest answer.

"That sucks"

"Everything sucks."

"That's life for you" he said. He was still staring at the wall. "How long do you have?"

"A little while" I really didn't want to tell him it was five months.

"A few years?"

"Shorter" that's all I could say.

"A year?"

"Less", it was coming, he wasn't going to stop till he found out.

"Half a year?" he still didn't look at me.

"September at best" I finally said. He turned to look at me.

"Now that sucks"

"Really sucks."

Then he turned back to staring at the wall and seemed to be thinking something through. "Four to five months" he said turning back.

"Right on the nose" I said.

"I don't know what to say" he said after a few moments of silence.

"No one knows what to say" I whispered.

He paused "I guess I'm sorry" pause "To you know" pause "here that".

"Don't be sorry" I said.

"But then I don't know what to say"

"I told you, there is nothing that anyone knows to say."

Then we were silent. Just the sound of the clock ticking from the next room. Then a car pulled up in the driveway. The tires crunched the rocks.

"That's my mom" Bobby said and handed me a Playstation controller and flicked on the TV. Mario started up and the game began as his mom walked in.

"Hello Bobby" said his blonde mother as she came up the stairs. "Oh, a friend of yours?"

"Yup" said Bobby and continued to play.

"Well it's very nice to meet you" she said and continued into the kitchen.

We were silent then he paused the game as his mom went outside to the car again.

"Abby, you were right. I don't know what to say to you about your cancer, but I do want to say I want to be more than friends. So do you want to be my….you know…. _girlfriend_?"

I paused. He was everything that a girl could want. He was like the dream boyfriend. And he was asking me out of all people in the world. Well maybe not world, but our town. But it was still _me_. "Yeah" I said tilting my head to look at him. "I really want to" I smiled. I actually smiled. Something I hadn't been planning to do today. Bobby flipped back on the game, his mom walked in and the conversation stopped. When his mother failed to go outside again we stopped playing and Bobby yelled that we were going outside. His mom didn't care. She didn't worry. On the other hand, my mother was probably a nerves wreck right now, but I still didn't care, because now I had a boyfriend, and she couldn't stop me.


	6. Chapter 5

Chapter 5:

Chapter 5:Why I Can't Tell You

Warm and humid air rushed at our faces as we walked outside. Kids were still playing baseball, and girls were still jumping rope. The gravel crunched under our feet and then they met the pavement. We started to walk around the circle in the direction that was faster to my house.

"Hey can we go the other way?" I asked and stopped walking.

"Sure" Bobby said uncertainly "But why?"

"I don't want to go past my house."

"Why not?"

I paused and then looked at him "I found out my parents are getting divorced today."

"Oh" Bobby said "_sorry_"

"Don't be sorry it's not your fault obviously."

"Oh well I…."

"I mean why should _you _be sorry! You did nothing!" I was yelling at myself not him. And also more at the pavement then at myself. "I mean it's crazy! People always look at you like you're hopeless when you tell them something bad is going to happen to you!"

"Well I just…."

"No! Don't you see it's peoples way of getting out of things they don't want to talk about!"

"No Abby I'll talk about…" Bobby tried but once again I cut him off.

"No, Bobby I'm not insisting that you don't want to talk about this. I'm just insisting that it's crazy the way people act!! They don't know what to say! They never know what to say!" I looked up at Bobby after my whole yelling at the pavement lecture. "Do you understand?" He looked confused like I might start yelling at the pavement again or worse him so he just rubbed his neck, cleared his throat, and gave me a weak smile then kept walking.

"Do you know why though?" he finally managed to say carefully.

"After my cancer and Kimberly's………" I stopped talking. I never talked about Kim to anyone but Chelsey and Karen. Even between us three we didn't talk about it. It was an awful night where both Karen and I lost something dear to us. Talking about it was left to small rooms, couches, overstuffed chairs, those little folders, filing cabinets, and those people who just asked you over and over "How does that make you feel?" and "Would you like to tell me more about that?" a.k.a. therapists. No, I wasn't going to go there. I wasn't going to bring up _her_, because I just wanted to forget.

"Who's Kimberly?"

"No one" I murmured under my breath.

"What? I didn't catch that?"

"No one!" I whispered angrily, fire flashing in my eyes as we stared at each other, tears brimming on the edge of my eyes. Bobby just stared at me and then looked away and down at the pavement.

"I'm sorry" I whispered a few paces latter down the road.

Bobby just stared at the pavement. "Why won't you tell me?" He stopped and looked up at me.

Now it was my turn to look at the pavement. I swung my foot back and forth, brushing the ground, sighed then glanced up at him. _How could I tell him. I never spoke about Kim to anyone. My Dad didn't even like to talk about her. Mom on the other hand. Mom, god how could she keep this from me! The divorce! And DAD TOO!! This was insane. Wait off topic. _I glanced up again. "It's not the time," pause "Or the place."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"It means I'm not ready to talk about it yet." I whispered.

"Why?" he said throwing his arms out to the side.

"Please just understand!" I whispered.

"Understand what!" he said.

"UNDERSTAND THAT SHE'S DEAD!" I yelled.

Bobby's face just turned to stone at those words. "I didn't" pause, glancing down at pavement, pausing, looking up "I didn't" pause, one more glance "_know_".

"Now do you understand?" I asked looking him straight in the face, tears in my eyes once again.

"Abby" he whispered and wrapped his arms around me and I cried into his t-shirts shoulder. I couldn't help it, not after what had happened today, I was never going to be ok.

And the world moved around us. Girls skipped rope. Boys played baseball, and teenagers skateboarded and biked, but Bobby and I just stood there. Like the moment would never leave us. I had just met him, but it was like he knew who I was, inside and out. The world has strange ways of taking care of you, and helping you out. It was just the sun beating down and tears slipping down my face. Feeling wanted and loved to have arms wrapped around me that cared, even though I was still in yesterday's cloths and hair that was all frizzed up, but of coarse all good things end…

"Abby!" someone yelled ran down the driveway and ruined the moment. I pulled away from Bobby.

I turned and looked at who I already knew had just ended this moment of peace. "What the hell do you want now Karen?"


	7. Chapter 6

Chapter 6:

Chapter 6:Hate and Love

There stood Karen. Her bathing suit only half covered up by a pair of shorts and her skimpy top showing all her perfect tanned skin, no shirt. Her hair was messy like she had been tumbled by a couple of waves, and the surf board was back leaning against David garage which by pure dumb stupidity Bobby and I had stopped in front of. David stood in the back round in his swim trunks on his front wraparound porch. Unfortunately three house down from my house. Apparently Bobby and I had walked further than I had thought.

"Abby please listen to me" Karen started as she kept walking towards me. Bobby's arms fell back to his sides and stayed there.

"Oh! Why should I?" I asked fire burning in my eyes of pure discus.

"Abby! Please! I was going to tell you."

"Oh sure right as soon as pigs flied and the moon blew up right!"

"No look it wasn't that way!" Karen pleaded tears brimming on her eyes again. David started walking down the stair from the porch and down the driveway. Karen stood maybe three feet away motionless staring at me.

"Why would you do this Karen! Why in God's name would you do this!"

"You wouldn't understand!" Karen cried and ran and wrapped her arms around me. I shoved her off.

"Get off me you pot head."

"Abby!" Karen cried tears streaming down her face.

"Wow, wait" said Bobby butting in "You two are doing _pot_?"

"No we're not" said David now reaching us.

"Oh really then, then what are you smoking behind the dumpsters!?" I said sternly.

"Don't lie to her David" said Karen wiping her eyes dry.

"Where the hell did you guys get pot?" asked Bobby, obviously amused by the whole situation.

"No where" started Karen.

"In her mom's closet" said David at the same time.

"DAVID!" yelled Karen slapping her hand to her forehead.

"What! You told me not to lie!" yelled David. Karen just glared at him.

"Idiot" she whispered under her breath.

"So your mom was getting stoned!" laughed Bobby. "Oh let me guess she was so high and drunk that night that she was in that crash wasn't she!"

"Bobby stop" I whispered. Karen's eyes were filling with tears. Bobby didn't notice.

"Yeah that's what it was wasn't it?" Bobby asked looking at David. "You were telling me about it last month when you told me you were going to date Karen." I stared at Karen. She hadn't told me that she and David were going out. I knew they surfed, but _together_?

"Bobby stop" said David. His face was bright red with anger.

"Yeah I bet she was so high that she didn't even see that car!" laughed Bobby. "Hey Karen I bet you were glad she was gone then weren't you!" Then out of nowhere David lunged at Bobby and knocked him down onto the road, pinning him to the spot. Bobby stopped talking.

"Never talk about that to them again" David hissed into Bobby's face. Bobby didn't move, just laid there shocked.

"What, I was just…." Bobby started.

"Never" David hissed and climbed off Bobby. Bobby stood up slowly and looked at Karen. Tears were streaming down her face and then I just stared at him in shock.

"Obviously I don't know everything" whispered Bobby and turned to walk away and then turned back. "I'll see you tomorrow" he turned and walked away rubbing the back of his head.

I turned back to look at Karen after Bobby had walked a few houses down. David was sitting on the ground next to Karen. She was crying into his shoulder. David just looked up at me. His eyes were like they were try to figure me out or something.

"You shouldn't be hanging out with him" said David to me.

"What now you're going to be all old and wise on me and junk?"

"Abby you don't know about him!" said David sternly.

"What don't I know!" I yelled.

"I'm trying to look out for you Abby! He's not good news all the time. He has been through like twelve girls."

"Oh, well then why don't I let you go kill my friend with pot."

"Abby!" David hissed.

"What! Don't want the world to know?" I yelled.

His reply was better then words. He knew my one weakness, Karen. Karen sat there staring off into space, tears rolling down her face, shacking.

"Mom" Karen kept whispering over and over softly to herself.

I walked over to Karen and sat down next to her. Her whispering got louder and louder until she was almost screaming and then she just fell into my shoulder and started to cry.

"Hey" I whispered. "Hey it's ok" No harsh tone, no dagger words, just me and her. We rocked where we sat and she just cried. Then David stood and started to pick her up in his arms like a little girl. Karen didn't stop crying but wrapped her arms around his neck as he carried her inside and onto the white wicker chair on his porch. He stood there staring at her. Lost in her own world of hate and love.


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7:

Chapter 7: What is Love?

David just sat across from Karen on the white wicker couch with blue and white floral cushions. There was a white wicker table with glass over the top in between him and me. I sat in the chair next to Karen. She was ragging wars in her head. Whispering feverishly, tears silently slipping down her face, and her body curled tight up in a ball.

"It's my entire fault" whispered David shaking his head after maybe half an hour of silence.

"It's not your fault David" I whispered peeling my eyes off of Karen and onto him.

"If we hadn't been in that stupid room, and hadn't been looking for that stupid…." He trailed off and put his hands on his forehead, and elbows on his knees, and for a moment I thought he might start crying too. "I'm so stupid Abby" he whispered not removing his face from his hands.

"Ok for smoking Pot I'll give it to you for being stupid, but look at you! Look at me. I'm dieing. Karen's not going to have me forever, and yet you will. And unless you're going to call me stupid for believing this next fact then you really are stupid. Karen never told me that you two were going out. She never told me that she loved you. She never told me that she was" I paused "scared." David looked up confused. I looked at Karen it was easier to explain looking at her. "She never told me she loved you but I can see it. Her eyes sparkle when she looks at you. She surfs with you, smokes pot with you" I meant the last part to be funny and I think David got that. He smiled. "I know she loves you, because she knows that I'm going to be gone. She knows her mom is never coming back and she knows that she loves you." I paused looking at my friends curled up body. "I know she loves you" I said and wiped the tears from my eyes. I looked back at David who was staring at Karen.

He got up and walked over to her "Hey" he whispered in her ear. Karen stirred and opened her eyes ever so slightly. "I love you" he whispered. She nodded her head and closed her eyes. David turned to go back to his seat.

"I love you too" she whispered, and David just smiled and looked at me.

"Thank you" he mouthed to me and sat down.

David's house was a light purple shade and his door was dark purple. The poles holding up the porch were the same deep purple, while the railings were the light purple. The porch floor was polished hardwood, golden as the sun, and the windows to the house were always spotless. Karen sat in her ball not really comprehending what David and I were talking about. Her eyes were open, but she was staring into space, like she often did while thinking about her mom. As much as Karen wanted to hate her mother she couldn't. Karen hated the alcohol and the new found drug problem, but she loved who her mom had been. Karen's mom had made Karen's, Chelsey's, Kimberly's, and Mine school play costumes. Of coarse that was kindergarten, and Chelsey was a giraffe, Karen a zebra, Kimberly an elephant, and I was a lion (We were doing a circus more that a play really, but they still called it a play.) I think we wore those costumes everyday of our summer that year or until they were so ratty and dirty that our mothers dragged us out of them. Yeah those were the good old days. No one was drunk and screaming and Kimberly was still here. David ran around pretending to be the ringmaster, but Karen wouldn't have it. She would say "No David, you can't be the ringmaster!" and he would go "why not" and every time she would answer "You're too old for us!" in her girly little voice with her pigtails flying in the wind. Yes those were the days, but everything changes.

"I can't believe Bobby would talk that way in front of you two" said David in disgust looking across the field.

"I bet he didn't know it would upset her" I said staring at him so that he would turn to look at me.

"I still don't think you should be hanging around with him you know he has…." David started.

"Oh don't even start with me David!" I yelled at him. It was my turn to be disgusted.

"Abby he…." David tried again.

"David just shut up" I said looking his square in the eyes.

"Look he's not just looking for a friendship he's looking to ch…"

"David I know he doesn't just want to be my friend" I said after cutting him off mid word.

"You know then that he's" David started.

"Yes I know that he doesn't want to be just friends because he asked me to be him girlfriend" I said like it'd be no shock at all.

David's face turned to stone. "He what" David managed to sputter out.

"He wants me to be his girlfriend" I said again smiling.

"No, Abby you don't understand Bobby..." David started looking concerned.

"You know what I don't need your permission to date a guy!" I yelled and stood up and stormed past him. I stopped at the top of the stairs and yelled "And you better not do anything to screw this up no matter how much you want to _protect _me!" I stormed down the stairs, and David raced down after me.

"Abby you don't understand!" he called. I whipped around.

"No David, _you_ don't understand!" I yelled "I'm going out with Bobby, weather you like it or not!"

"Abby" David said in disbelief throwing his arms down to his sides and slapping his legs with the force of them coming down. "He is…."

I held up my hand and he stopped. "I don't care what your theory about Bobby is. I love him and I want to be happy before I'm gone."

"I want you to be happy too, but Abby..." I held up my hand and he fell silent.

"No buts David, for once I'm doing something for me OK. Chemo was my parents idea. Hospital round clock care, Mom's. Private tutor, my Dad's. David, Bobby is my choice."

"You don't know what love is Abby!" David said staring at me like I was his little sister that he was trying to save. But I wasn't his sister and I didn't need to be saved.

"Tell me what love is then David, crying for days because your twin sister died. Crying on the phone with Karen when her mom died. Going to court and seeing the survivors of the crash! Closing the lid on your sister coffin!" I had tears welling up in my eyes. "No amount of money could bring them back! No amount of love will bring them back! Tell me David what the hell I don't know about love! The love for life! Another day on earth, not in a line for heaven. Tell me David! Tell me what the hell I don't know about love!" I screamed in his face and turned away, but didn't walk. He paused and then put his hand lightly on my shoulder.

"You don't know what a boy thinks when he dumps you. You don't know what it's like to live a lie when he's cheating on you. You don't know what it's like to lean on a person so much then to have them disappear. You don't know how it feels to love and then have to leave it. You don't know what it's like to see your guy in another persons arms right in front of you." David paused.

"David I love Bobby and he loves me."

"You known him for a day."

"It was meant to be" I whispered and headed down the road. I had a feeling I was about to face more traumas the minuet I would walk up my front steps, but I did it anyway.


	9. Chapter 8

Chapter 8:

Chapter 8:A Painting

The door swung open with a slight push and another blast of cool air met my warm skin. The wood floors shone like any other day, but we all know it wasn't another day. The rooms were silent and I started down the hall confident that I was alone when the mother who seemed to ruin it all walked out of her room furthest down the hall holding the portable phone limply in her hand.

"Abby" said Mom quickly as our eyes met. I picked up the pace and headed for my bedroom door. My arms swings harshly as if daring her to grab one to stop me. "Abby stop I need to talk to you". Her eyes were red, she had been crying. Good. She knew just as well as I felt right then. I was glad she was feeling this pain in an odd twisted kind of way. It was like bitter sweet candy, that you wanted to eat more of but was making you mouth pucker. It was like satisfaction she would never know. I reached the inside of my doorway and was going to slam the door, but she stood there holding the door back with her hand guessing my next movements from my eyes. "Abby we need to talk" she tried again.

"No we don't" I said harshly like daggers cutting her heart.

"Don't use that tone with me Abigail"

"Don't act this way" I said sharply to her face. The lines and creases showed today in her usually strong face. Her hair dyed and colored to cover the grays as she entered her forties. The phone was still limp in her hand, but was known for a strong handshake to all doctors I had ever come into contact with. But now the hand just hung limp like a dead fish. There was no power. She was weak. She couldn't tell me that they were getting divorced, she couldn't tell me anything. I was her fragile porcine doll that was suppose to sit up on a shelf as the owner played with all her other dolls. I was breakable in her mind. I couldn't be touched. She'd lose me quicker if she took me down off the shelf and dropped me, and that was all she could think about know. I was breakable. I couldn't be touched.

Her eyes welled up in angers tears at my words of her behavior, and she let go of the door, she was defeated. She didn't dare slap me across my face for such terrible words, so cursed and sharp. No I was the porcine doll, I could break.

She backed up a few steps and I slammed the door. The sound I'm sure made her wince. I'm sure the thoughts in her mind were that she was losing me, again. I was dieing in front of her eyes. That's what made her weak. She walked away down the hall to the kitchen or living room. One or the other, she was going to cry. I flipped on the light switch and walked over to my bed. The sheets lay perfectly in place never touched from last night. They were crisply washed and ironed by mom. They made me sick. Not latterly, but the thought of them. The thought of _her_. She sat at home and primped the house, scrubbed it clean so that when I came home everything would be the cleanest in the world. No speck of dust, no germs. She was a freak and I was the one who made her that way. With that thought I ripped the sheets off the bed. Anger racing through my mind. _They did this! They're the problem! They're killing this family. They're ruining everything I had left to hang onto!_ _This was the end_. _The end. No it couldn't be. These were to be the best months of my life,……and now, they're were just the beginning of the end, and the worst time._ With that I feel to the floor and started to sob my eyes out. I don't know where the tears came from, but they just kept coming and coming. They blurred my vision and even the soft sheets they laid on the ground had no comfort for me. This was the end, whether I liked it or not.

The day grew to night as I sat on the floor as the teas slowly stopped. I just sat there staring at the wall straight in front of me. My hair was in dishevels and my eyes wide open. I picked at one of the blankets thoughtlessly and didn't move. The streetlights flicked on outside the window, casting an orange glow onto the floor, and casting shadows from some of the furniture. The light overhead beat down and was soft in a world so hard. It almost felt mocking. Mom's footsteps would walk to my door, stand, pause, turn and walk away. She didn't have the courage to come in, or talk, or anything of the sort. So I just sat there in silence as the time ticked by.

Cars rolled by on the street, their headlights flashing by the window as they went to their warm happy homes. They went to their perfect families. They were the parents working to shelter their children, hide them from the real horrors of the world. But what horrors could they hide them from? There would always be those foul words that would fallow them in school, and they couldn't run and cover their child's ears for everyone of them. They couldn't stop their child from making a wrong choice. No, life just had to twist its way out. Life had to be played. You couldn't pause it, rewind it, fast forward. No, it just played out before your eyes. And now a light drizzle of rain was coming down on the world. Wetting the pavement to a dark black, and quenching the thirst of the parched grass. The cars made swishing sounds now as they drove by. The tires ever so slightly moving the not even half a centimeter of water settling on the hot pavement. Then I heard the tell tale sound of Dad's car pulling into the driveway. The garage opened with the moaning of it's mechanical parts, and the hum of the little engine running it all. Then the car would shut off and the door would open, and he'd be inside.

I stood and walked over to the window. I pressed my hot forehead to the cool glass and stared out. Rain fell gently in front of my eyes and my breath fogged up a portion of the glass. The porches lead to lit windows where happy families ate dinner, and talked about their days, and the brave souls would walk out and down the driveway with their dogs who needed a bathroom break. Their yellow rain jackets so out of place in this picture. The world was like a painting, and I was just meant to be its admirer, nothing more, just a person in a gallery looking at it from behind the glass, wanting to be part of it, wanting to embrace it, and yet I stepped back from the glass and looked at the room instead. This was my painting, I was a porcine doll, and the world was about to crash in, and break me.

* * *

**Author Note:**

**Hello everyone!**

**I updated this by request but I didn't think it was being viewed that much...there's a ton more...so just review and I'll post!**

**Reviews! Reviews! Reviews!**


	10. Chapter 9

Chapter 9:

Chapter 9:The Birds of Rhode Island

Somehow the night slipped away into morning, and somehow I fell asleep on the bare bed. Birds were calling to each other outside; their voices were like a chorus singing together of sopranos, altos, bases, and tenors. Their soft cries for their partners who may, or may not, be waiting to call back. Out of chance my window took up one of my main walls in my bedroom and the warm sunlight spilled through my shear curtains. My bed lay parallel to the window on the opposite wall and the light spilled over my comforter in a heap on the floor and made designs on the wood floor. I sat up and looked at the walls, bare. The room looked as if it had been barren of an occupant for sometime, even though it was cleaned daily, because there is always certain aspects of a room that will show what kind of person lives in it. Mine, well I wouldn't truly know, but I think it showed what I was…sick. See the only other rooms I've ever really seen, to compare, would be Chelsey's and Karen's. I hadn't been to a sleepover in ages; not if I'd even been invited to one would my mother even have let me go. My walls were pale blue and I had a blue comforter with silver sparkles on it. A white dresser and matching mirror, and a white pair of closets was all I had of a room. Chelsey had a small room to herself because she was the only girl. It had pale pink walls since she was born, a twin sized bed painted white and a small dresser also painted white stored in her closet because there was no other place for it, posters of soccer players and basketball players cover a majority of one wall, and a small desk was tucked in the corner. The green carpet was hideous, but there was nothing that could be done about it and so it stayed. See Chelsey's room showed that she was had siblings. It showed she wasn't rich and that maybe she just didn't care about it anymore, it was just a fact of life, you don't always land in the family you want. Then there was Karen. Karen was an only child and her room showed it. She had a massive bedroom that took up half the upstairs. The purple walls and white curtains to cover the six windows that her room had. She had her own bathroom attached to her room with full double sinks, shower, tub, and toilet. Sea colored tile covered the floor and dazzling gold accents were thrown in randomly in the tile work. She had the best room. The master sweet was the only other room upstairs, and no one went in there anymore. Not since her mom died.

My alarm clock read 11:27 A.M. I'd already slept half the day away. I climbed slowly off the bed and weaved my way around the bedding to my closet. Soundlessly I dressed and fixed my hair. All I had to do was get out of the house. I walked to the door and pulled it open with only a few feeble creaks and squeaks. Then I headed down the hall to the front door and pushed open the glass door, took one step outside and then heard my mother walk out of the kitchen behind me.

"It's Monday, everyone's in school Abby" said her calm voice. "Why don't you just come back inside and eat breakfast".

"I'm not hungry". I said a little to sharply then I meant to. I kept my eyes down, not wanting to turn and look at her.

"You haven't eaten since yesterday morning".

"Chemo doesn't make you hungry".

"Well luckily you're not on chemo anymore".

"But the fact that you're used to throwing up everything is usually a turn off from food".

"Abby just come eat".

"No thanks, I'm not hungry" and with that I walked outside and away. I don't know when things started to go down hill between my mother and I. It was like one day I thought I would die if my mother wasn't there holding my hand every step of the way, and the suddenly the next day, or maybe not that suddenly, I didn't seem to need her. I was pushing her away and blaming her…for everything. Of course that's when reality was setting in. The chemo was supposed to have saved me by this point. I was supposed to be on my way to remission, but all I felt was sicker. All I wanted was to sleep and wake up when it was all over. I wanted to believe that someone was going to jump out from behind a wall with cameras and go "Oh we really pulled your leg on that one. You never had cancer." I wanted that to happen; I wanted it all to be a prank…it never was. I should have foreseen what I was living now; I should have known that the percentage of people who did die from cancer included me. I should have known that I was in the ratio of people who died this weird twist of fate. I should have known that if Kimberly were dead…then I would die too. And they say that knowledge comes with time and that you're suppose to make your mistakes to learn your lessons, but I wasn't given those chances. I wasn't given the choice to screw up. I lived in a bubble for more than a year. I lived in a white, obsessively clean, filtered aired, visitors scrubbed clean environment. I had nurses hovering over me constantly, and doctors checking me every day. They didn't catch my cancer early, and time wasn't a thing, I learned, that you could turn back. They caught my cancer before I became terminal…only to make me…terminal.

They found the cancer shortly after I started complaining about headaches. At first it was shrugged off as being from all the crying after Kim's death. I didn't want to bother my mother who had taken to locking herself in Kim's room, which had been left exactly as she had left it that day. My father threw himself into his work and was never home enough to say more than "good night" to me, which I think pained him to even say, because, even if small, Kimberly and I did share some resemblances. But the headaches got worse. They got to the point where my eyes would water and my head would feel like it was going to explode. I was always nauseous and dizzy. I just remember waking up one night screaming. My eyes feeling like they were being pushed out of my head, and that my brain might actually explode. I remember my mother running into my room and flicking on the light fallowed by my father and seeing them watch me twist in agony on my bed hold my head. I remember the ambulance coming and I remember being put in the back, but then it blanks out, and suddenly I'm in a hospital. Blood tests and a CT scan later I was diagnosed with a level four brain tumor. Which then they proceeded to go in and cut it out. Which showed that it was indeed, to my parent's horror, a metastasized brain tumor and cancer. This also meant that that was not the only tumor. See brain tumors don't metastasize in the brain if they're the only tumor usually. If a tumor is to metastasize in the brain it usually has to have been created from another tumor elsewhere in the body. And the search was on. When they did find it, it was in my right lung. The shortness of breath I had ignored thinking it had been my allergies to mold. That maybe it had recently gotten slightly worse, but once again it was only terrible, looking back now, right around the time Kim died, and I once again turned to too much crying. Radiation and chemo started two days after I entered the hospital that faithful night, and I left home permeably that day too. I became one of those cancer kids. I became a bald cancer victim…just like everyone else on my floor. I lost everything that month. I lost my health, my hope, my school,…my friends,…my twin,… a part of my brain and lung and everything I thought I knew about life so far. I lost…everything. I lived through each day, but I died inside. I felt empty. It didn't matter that I was missing hair or parts of organs; I felt empty because I lost everyone…and everything. I lost Kimberly, when I needed her here the most.

And now, standing outside in the warm Rhode Island sun, the pavement radiating its heat up to my pale skin, I understood the birds as they rang their lonesome calls out to their missing partners…who might, or might not, call back.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10:

Chapter 10:What Could Kill Me

I made my way around the circle, stopping and staring at the houses as I went. As much as I had expected time to stop when I left the circle, it hadn't. The paint on the houses was chipped in places and the grass was either freshly cut or over grown. The young children who I had always seen playing out in the yard after preschool were now Kindergarteners. The pavement had new cracks and groves, and new cars sat in driveways. The world, it seemed, would keep up its normal pace of life weather a person was there, or wasn't. I hadn't expected life to stop then again, but I didn't plan on feeling like such an outsider when I returned. It was then that I think I finally realized that the world wasn't going to end when I left this Earth. The sun would rise the next morning and the night would fall just as it had for centuries before I walked this hallowed ground. No, the world would move on…just as it had when Kim died.

As much as I wanted to think that the world would come to halt at that very space and time and that I could walk at this same slow pace around the world. So maybe that I could see all the places I had said I would see, and talk to all the people I said I would talk to, but I knew time wouldn't stop, and that the world would keep spinning, even if just one moment at a time.

It's sad to think that people take time for granted, I thought to myself. That a person could think of a day as a waste, when really every moment was precious. I don't know how people lag around a room all day when they could be outside in the fresh air. Maybe because I had been deprived of all these things for so long that I thought them as blessings. Just as I thought having a nagging sister was better then silence in a house too big for just three people. Or how parents who really loved each other was better then them getting divorced. Or how finding, what I was sure was, true love was bitter sweet when you knew life would be ending soon. Everyday things like going to school, friends, parties, health, dreams, a future, and…hair. Everyday things that people have and abuse, and never know what they're worth…till they're gone.

Slowly as time drifted by on my slow second loop around the circle, the school bus pulled up to the circle entrance and a load of high school and middle school students piled off the bus. I froze and my gaze fallowed the laughing kids, as my heart longed to be one of them. Backpacks full of homework and papers were loaded on their backs as they dismounted the stairs and headed off in their groups to do what ever it was normal teenagers did. As the long stream of kids trailed off and the last few stragglers filed off the bus he came off. His blue polo shirt hung over his lose fitting cargo shorts. His backpack slung over one shoulder ruffling his longish blonde hair as he walked off into the sun. His attention was upon two other guys whom held skateboards and they all seemed to be laughing at some private joke. As they departed their separate ways he turned and started to head back in my direction. He paused and waved, then continued to walk towards me.

"Hey" said Bobby when he had drawn close enough to talk. He pulled me into a hug which I didn't draw back from. He smelled of Axe deodorant and his skin was warm to the touch. The embrace was like heaven, or what I imagined it would be.

"How was your day" I asked as we pulled apart and started to walk.

"Not bad. Lots of science homework tonight though."

"Oh what are you guys doing?"

"Genetics. It's freaking confusing on so many levels." He sighed and looked down at me. "And you? What have you been up to all day in your school-less life?"

"Hey it's not all it's hyped up to be. I have tutors and stuff, but I don't take classes everyday anymore. I wish I could go to school."

"Why?" Bobby sounded almost as if the idea of _wanting_ to go to school was a side effect of my illness, as if I couldn't think clearly.

"I don't know, just the fact that you get to hang out with people everyday at school and be surrounded in…normalcy. It just seems like something out of a dream…to be normal."

"Trust me it's not all it's hyped up to be" said Bobby grinning.

"Well I guess, but still, I mean it's like the little things you all take for granted…those are the things that I really miss the most. I mean you probably have never even been in a hospital as a patient. Or had _"medicine"_ put in you that a nurse won't even carry with out wearing double layers of thick laytex gloves."

"So you had Chemo?"

"Yeah I did, and radiology, and blood transfusions, and bone marrow transplants, and biopsies, and many, many, many surgeries." We stopped walking as we reached his driveway.

"Want to come inside?"

"Don't you have homework?"

"It can wait," sighed Bobby looking at me.

"No I wouldn't want to get in the way. And I'm sure your parents would prefer you did your homework then sit around with a girl all afternoon." I said as I blushed at the thought that someone would put off doing something important for me.

"God Abby you're my girlfriend! Do you think I give a crap what my parents think most of the time? I can wait to do my homework to hang out with you!" I just stood there and looked at him. "Look Abby I don't get along with my parents ok. They're not here and we can just hang for a while. If I'm going to have someone else breathing down my neck about my work and grades I don't want it to be my girlfriend."

"Ok" I said in a soft voice. I had no clue that Bobby didn't like his parents. Actually now that I stopped to think about it I didn't know a lot of things about Bobby, things had just kind of happened.

As we walked inside he dropped his bag at the top of the stairs and flopped down on the couch, which I walked over and sat down on softly.

"Do you want something to drink?" asked Bobby and got up and walked over to the kitchen. He pulled open his stainless steal fridge and looked around.

"Sure" I answered.

He pulled out two cans of Coke and handed one to me as he sat. He popped his open and chugged some down. "What's the matter?" he said as he looked over at me.

"Oh" I said surprised and started picking at the tab on the top of the can. "Nothing really." I just couldn't get my fingers under the tab. Then it popped up and sharp pain seared on the top of my finger. I pulled my finger back as a thin line of blood bubbled across my pointer finger where the tab had just slipped. "Shit." I sighed.

"Oh here" said Bobby jumping up and grabbing a tissue from the counter and handing it to me.

"Thanks" I said feeling stupid. I couldn't even open a god damn can without hurting myself. "I have to go." I said standing and heading for the stairs.

"No wait, I'll just grab you a band-aid." Said Bobby.

"No, see the stuff in your blood that makes _you _clot…is really low in my blood and I have like no immune system, so I need to go to the hospital to get this looked at." I said quickly heading down the stairs.

"It's just a scratch!" said Bobby looking down over the banister at me perplexed. "It's just a scratch. It can't be that life threatening?"

"To you it's not," I sighed looking up at him "But walking outside, talking to people…kissing people…can hurt me. I have like no immune system. If I get sick…I'll die, that's just how it is." And with that I walked out the door and ran down the street to my house.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11:

Chapter 11: I'm Fine, I Swear, I'm Fine.

"Mom!"

"What! What!" yelled my mother franticly as I ran inside the house. "Do you feel sick, are you hurt? Speak to me."

I held up my finger. She peeled off the tissue that was dotted with bright red spots of blood. She turned it over and over in her hand looking at it from all angles.

"Is it bad?" I asked already knowing her answer.

"Bad enough for your state." She sighed "I knew you shouldn't be running around town." She added under her breath.

"Do you really think I need to go to the doctors just for this, I mean it's just a scratch," I added hopefully.

"No, I think it'd be best we go have this looked at. It's bleeding a lot, you'll need stitches too, not to mention if you got any sort of infection, lord help us."

"Mom I'm sure it's fine." I said.

"We're going, come on, I'll call Dr. Wentworth to tell him we're coming in."

Seconds latter I'm in the backseat of our car, on the highway, headed for the hospital.

"It's not bleeding that bad Mom," I said, though truly it had only gotten worse.

"We're almost there, then you'll be fine." Said mom as she turned off the highway and onto the road. The hospital was a mile down the road. It was a big what brick building with stories of windows that loomed overhead as I climbed out at the drop off place and mom went to go park the car. "Go in and tell them you're here."

"Mom, I know, it's not like it's the first time I've done this."

"I know sweetheart, I'll be in, in a minuet." And with that she drove off to park. I walked through the automatic sliding doors where I told my name in the receptionist. She was one of those fresh out of collage people. She was popping her gum and taking notes from like five people. The phone showed three held calls but she didn't seem to notice just yet. She turned and waved her hand over to the chair and told me to sit in the waiting area. The Emergency Room, I always noticed, was very different from the cancer floor waiting room. Here the chairs were hard and orange, bolted to the floor in rows. Up on the cancer floor there were soft plush armchairs and couches in light colors like blue and pale green. There were always boxes of tissues and a rather quiet tone about things. Here in the ER things were loud and crammed with people. Suddenly the doors burst open and stretchers rolled inside carrying a little girl fallowed closely by two middle age men. Words of a car crash filed through the air as they ran past. My eyes locked on the little girl as she rolled by. Her eyes were closed and blood ran down from her hairline. Her mouth slightly agar where a tube was thread down her throat so they could push air into her lungs. My eyes locked on her as she wheeled by. People from their chairs watched. Was this what it had looked like the night I had been wheeled in? Had some people been witness to my arrival to this hospital in the back of an ambulance? Did someone stop to wonder what had happened to me, or to them,_ that little girl_?

My mind was so caught up in the little girl that I didn't see the doors open again or see the man stumble inside. It was the putrid smell of alcohol that awoke my senses.

"Hey pretty girly" said a very gruff looking man in dirty clothing. His breath filled with the stench of alcohol. I sat paralyzed as he drew closer. "Why don't you come here and let me touch that fine white skin."

"Please go away," I whispered under my breath as he pulled closer.

"What!" the man screamed in outrage. "No I don't think I will" and he lunged forward. I jumped up from my seat, though it did little good, because his fingers wrapped around my throat crushing me. Screams filled my ears. Along with his word that he just had time to utter into my ear "Life's a precious thing deary now I'm taking yours like that idiot did to my daughter". I couldn't breath, and then suddenly a rush of air filled my lungs as the man was hurled to the ground by some doctors. Where he struggled and pushed against the men with all his might.

"Get off me you filthy, good for nothing…" and with that his leg collided with my ankle and I fell flat on my face. Searing pain raced up and down my arm as it collided with the chairs I had been sitting in. Then tender hands found me on the floor and pulled me up and out of the waiting room.

"How could you let maniacs just come wondering off the streets into here!" screamed my mother. The room which we sat in was a pale blue and I sat curled up in a ball on my bed watching the furry in my mother's eyes flare up with every word.

"Mrs. Catsenburg, please. This instance is regrettably worrisome I know on your behalf." Tried Dr. Wentworth calmly.

"Worrisome! MY DAUGHTER WAS JUST NEARLY STRANGLED!"

"We are well aware of that, and the hospital insurance will cover all the scans we did on her to make sure there was no injury in her throat, and for the cast."

"Don't get me started on her arm," sighed my mother sitting down on the edge of my bed rubbing her eyes. It was true I now sported a snazzy hot pink cast, as the nurse and doctor who put it on had called it, on my left arm. It was only on my forearm, but the clean break was indeed…painful. Then on the right I had five neat stitches held together the tip of my sliced open finger. The bruises on my neck were deep purple now, but at least my neck wasn't injured they said.

"Mom, just let it go," I whispered.

"Let it go! Abigail that man could have killed you!" she turned from me and faced the doctor. "I don't know what kind of institution you're running down here, but I will have a few choice words with the head of this hospital about standards of care in this department. Never in the years that I have associated myself with this hospital have I been more disappointed in the care given. The idea that all I care about is the cost of the scans…lord help me. My daughter could have died! And yet all you want to talk about is costs! Mr. Wentworth if ever I doubted your thoughts of well being of my family it is now!" fumed my mother and Dr. Wentworth just sighed.

"Mrs. Catsenberg, Cathy, I have been Abigail's doctor for months now. I, and the rest of the staff, never intended for any harm to come to her while here in this hospital. We give top of the line care to all people who walk through our doors. I would have taken Abigail straight in but the new receptionist didn't page me, and I got caught up with the Burns family upstairs, Alison is not doing well."

He had hit the soft spot. Alison Burns was a girl up on the cancer ward. My family and hers were well acquainted.

"Oh dear" sighed mother. "I should go up and speak with Julie. How bad is it?" she asked.

"The bone marrow transplant didn't stick as we had hoped," replied Dr. Wentworth.

"Well, excuse my outburst. I'm just a little…a little…tired. I'll go see Julie if you don't mind. Abigail grab your things and here's a few bucks," she handed over her wallet. "Grab something in the cafeteria, and I'll meet you there in an hour or so."

With that she bid good-bye to Dr. Wentworth and headed for the elevator.

I sat there and stared at the wall for a few more second. It was an annoying color somewhere between pale pink and off white. Then the floors were the normal tile as everywhere else in this god damn hospital. Dr. Wentworth stopped at the door and looked back at me. I could feel his eyes on my back.

"Should I send in a nurse to help you Abigail? I think Marcy may be on duty." He offered. Marcy was one of my favorite nurses. She used to sneak me popsicles and magazines while mom was home for a rare night or getting maybe an hour or two sleep in the nurses station. But somehow even the thought of Marcy wasn't appealing right now.

"No thanks" I said and started to climb down from the bed and collect my things.

"I'm sorry Abigail" said Dr. Wentworth as he pulled the door back closed. I paused and looked at him. Now I hated him. If for even a second I was ok with him now I hated him.

"I don't want to hear it" I whispered.

"We tried and if you hate the staff or me for not trying maybe hard enough then I'm sorry, we tried our best."

"I don't really care anymore" I lied and turned back around and collected more of my things.

"We have some out pacient therapy groups if you'd like to see if I could get you into one."

"I just told you I'm fine." I said coldly.

"But you see that's denial, and your mother and I agree that maybe you're engaging in some risky behavior now that you're out of this hospital. We'd like to look into some other options for your care."

"You're not locking me back up!" I screamed. "I'm not some pathetic play thing that you can move around and try to fix again. I don't need anymore therapy! I'm dieing I get it!! Don't lock me in some room with people I don't even know because it'll make you and my MOTHER sleep easier at night!"

"Now Abigail lets be reasonable." Sighed Dr. Wentworth.

"NO! Just leave me alone!" I screamed and stormed out.

I stomped my way up the stair and over to the cafeteria, and plopped down in one of those empty chairs in the corner. _How dare she even mention that to him. Of coarse my doctor is going to agree with her on locking me away. I'm his failings in life. I'm another one of those poor souls that he COULDN'T save. So he wants to sleep easier at night by locking me away? Well then I hope the rest of the nights he thinks about me he had nightmares._ Having vented to myself I started to look around. The cafeteria had small bunches of doctors sitting together. The surgeons in blue scrubs, the ER doctors in green, and the Pediatricians in their funky Mickey Mouse or Disney Princess embellished scrubs. Then there were the random pacients and family.

How much I loathed the thought that people could come into a hospital and not have their whole life stories printed in a medical folder. How someone could come and go unnoticed, unlike me who attracted fourteen nurse's "hellos", Twenty doctors "glad to see that this has cleared up…", "Good to see that hasn't left too many scars", "How does this feel….?", and not to mention my mother's need to stop and say hello to EVERYONE. But I guess what you sign up for when God kills your sister in this hospital and gives you cancer in it too.


	13. Chapter 12

Chapter 12:

Chapter 12: Time Dies

As I wondered the halls looking for my mother, so I could just get out of this death trap, I noticed that while I was gone nothing had really changed. It was like time had stood still and only the world outside the walls knew that it was spring. The same fake feeling of happiness filled this floor. The doors were closed for the most part. People sleeping, or visiting with their loved ones, who always knew _this could be the last time I see their face_. My shoes were reflected back from the shinny tiles that were cleaned everyday, sometimes twice if needed. The air conditioning was on, but not blasting. It was cool but not too warm or too cold. How they got this perfect temperature I do not know. If I remembered correctly Alison Burns room was down the long hallway, two doors away from the large window at the far end of the ward. I walked slowly down the hall. My shoes making that soft squeaking sound as it hit the tile. The doors may have been closed but you could hear machines going, or people crying, or the TV playing a program that wasn't really being watched. All these things were so familiar, and yet so strange at the same time. Then I paused as I was halfway down the hall. There it was, my room. The door was open, the bed made, and empty. The room was empty, and it was waiting to suck me back in. The curtains drawn, lights off, and as lonely as it was while I inhabited it. Time, I thought to myself, really does die on this ward.

Tears stung the back of my eyes, but I turned and finished my walk down the hall. Even though the day had started out nice and sunny, the sky had turned gray outside of the large bay window. As I paused outside Alison's room a soft raindrop patted against the window and was fallowed by its brothers and sisters as the rain slipped from the clouds and down to the parched earth. I rapped my knuckles softly on the door, and then Mrs. Burns came to the door and pulled it open.

"Abby" said Mrs. Burns slowly and pulled me into her warm arms in a comforting hug. When she pulled away she smiled that half smile at me "How are you doing?" Her eyes had bags under them and her skin was as white as the inhabitants of this place.

"I'm doing good" I said while still examining her face. Her face, I'm sure, would have been an image of perfection had she had a normal life with normal children. But, then again, all the mothers and fathers in this ward looked as if time had slipped through their fingers like time was slipping away in their child's life.

"Alison I'm sure would love to see you" said Mrs. Burns, and gave me a nudge inside the room. The same perfectly clean room unfolded in front o my eyes. The machines and wires jetted and snaked out of the walls and made their way to the lone bed in the room. The curtains drawn and the TV playing some show barley on above a whisper.

"Hey" whispered Alison as I walked into view. Her skin lay limp and pale on her skin. Her eyes sunken in and the amount of wire attached to her small arms seemed to consume her body. Her bald head rested heavily on her stack of pillows, and her body lay tucked under three layers of blankets.

"Hey" I said and forced on a smile. I walked gingerly over and sat lightly on the edge of the bed.

"We'll leave you two to talk for a little bit" said Mrs. Burn and walked out of the room with my mother. With the quick glimpse I got at my mother my hatred flare inside, but calmed as they left.

As the door closed Alison turned her face in my direction and smiled. "So you got out of here?" she whispered, which was as loud as her voice would go.

"Yeah" I sighed.

Alison turned her face back up to the ceiling. "Oh" she whispered "I can just feel the sun."

I laughed softly. "Yeah, it's amazing."

"Mum" she said and looked at me. "You're the lucky one" she laughed. "You get sicker and leave. Not me, I'll be stuck here forever…or…till I die."

Dieing was just one of those things that was excepted here on this ward. We all knew that unless we got better quick, then…well…you kind of just figure it out. You come to realize that the world won't stop without you. You understand that you'll be missed, but eventually people will move on. What we've done in this world hasn't impacted anyone yet. We were going to die…and that's just how it was.

"Now don't say that" I said and looked at her. Her eyes just stayed locked on the ceiling and then she spoke it in the simplest terms.

"I know I will, but…you know…it still bother s me." Her eyes watered slightly, but she made no attempt to wipe the tears away. "I just need to know Abby…are you scared?"

Fear. That was one of the things not mentioned. We were the wonder kids. The people that, even though young, had the greatest understandings on how to cope. We were locked in our wards and let life move on. We knew that the world could end its time with us. Yet, how do you tell your parents that you're scared? How o you ask someone if it's ok to not ok to be worried. To even loath the people who would get to stay alive. Was it allowed to be scared that…maybe…there was nothing more.

"Yeah" I said slowly, "I am."

This seemed to satisfy Alison. Then the door swung open and our mothers walked back in. I got off the bed and headed for the door. I walked out into the hallway and headed for the elevator. I wrapped my arms around myself and buried my chin to my chest. I was scared…I really was.

The elevator opened at the ward and I climbed inside, not waiting for my mother. And when I finally reached the lobby I walked through the ER's sliding doors and out into the cooling May air. The rain fell in thick sheets from the darkening sky. I shivered as I stood there waiting. My mother walked out the sliding doors. She stood looking at the rain and me.

"I wish you could have waited Abigail" said my mother pulling open her umbrella.

I stood there silent. The rain pounded the Earth like some steady drumbeat.

"I'll go get the car" and she walked out into the rain. I stood there bouncing on the pads of my feet. Then just as she turned, I ran. I just had to. I couldn't take it anymore. I sprinted down the entrance and out onto the road. My feet slapped the pavement in the same rhythm of the rain. I ran and I ran…anything to stop the pain.


	14. Chapter 13

Chapter 13:

Chapter 13: Uncontrollable Pain

I clutched my side as I walked into our development. I had ran the whole distance from the hospital to here. Now all I needed was to get to my house. I was soaked to the bone and shivering like there was no tomorrow. The windows were lit in random sequences as I splashed from house to house. The flowers bent their faces to the ground and the sky had blackened more. The rain stung as it hit my face and my teeth chattered double time to the beat of my feet. My cast felt like lead on my arm. The bandages soaked and discolored. I walked up our drive and meet my mother halfway up the pathway.

"Abigail!" my mother screamed running out of the house with an umbrella. She pulled me into her arms and dragged me up and into the house. Then she picked up my shaking frame into her arms and placed me on the couch. She pulled layers upon layers of blankets over me. Nothing could stop the cold. I couldn't stop shaking. Then I closed my eyes and fell to an exhausted sleep.

Warm light was pouring through the large bay window in our family room as I slowly opened my eyelids. As the room came into focus I started to sit up. My head started to spin, and a rush of nausea raced up my stomach. I laid back down and stared at the wall trying not to throw up. I was wrapped in at least five layers of fluffy blankets. My cloths had dried and now stuck to my body as if plastered to my skin. I rolled over slowly and closed my eyes. My head throbbed with pain and my body ached all over. I shivered and yet was burning up at the same time. Running, hadn't stopped the pain.

The hours slipped by slowly. I laid there on the couch, mom brought me in my medicine, I refused the soup she offered, I had a 101 degree fever, I couldn't move, and I started to throw up half way through the day. Being sick was one of those things that I was used to, but I still didn't like it. Finally at four in the afternoon my fever had spiked to 103 degrees and mom loaded me up in the car and drove me back to the hospital. The cancer ward took me straight in and put me in my old room. No waiting in waiting rooms, no crazy people, nothing. I didn't care though; all I wanted was to sleep. The doctors hooked me up to an IV and pumped medicine into me to stop the virus I had picked up in the rain with my suppressed immune system. I slept basically the whole time I was there, the soft clicking of machines was normal, and the nights were quiet except for the muffled sounds of doctors and nurses moving about. They put me in one of those hospital gowns and out of my damp cloths. Everything was as calm as it could be in my isolation chamber from the world.

Morning came and went the next day. I slipped in and out of consciousness as nurses came in to check my IV and to take my temperature. I was back down to 99 degrees and I was loaded up on antibiotics, I was suppose to go home later that day. My mother walked over to me and sat lightly on the bed.

"Abby, I think it's time we rethink this treatment plan. I feel that it has been just one misshape after another. Wouldn't you prefer to stay here and be safe? I mean we could take you home for shorter stints of time, but I don't think living at home twenty-four-seven is a good idea anymore." She smiled so sweetly at me, as if I would agree with her just because I was so sick.

"No" I coughed.

"But Abby, look at what you've done to yourself, look at your arm, finger, and now you're back in the hospital for _running?_ Abigail think about what time you have left. I don't think you have the reasoning to live at home right now. You've been here for…"

I cut her off "I've been here for eighteen months, and I don't want to be here another second!" I screamed and started pawing at my IV. I ripped off the blankets and started to get up. This was the last straw.

"Abigail, get back in bed! What are you doing!" she screamed as I started pulling on cloths that my mother had brought with her.

"I'm leaving!" I screamed at her pulling on my jeans.

"Abigail think rationally, we're only thinking what's in your best interest" she said thinking she was sounding sincerer. She rubbed her temples as if I were the one giving her the headache that had lasted a lifetime.

"I'll call Dad" I screamed and finished pulling on my shirt. "But seeing that you won't even be with him much longer I guess you can just go hate him if he does come and pick me up. BECAUSE YOU NEVER CARE ABOUT ANYONE BUT YOURSELF!" and with that I stormed out of the room. My legs felt lose and weird as I attempted to walk down the hall to the elevator. The white wall swirled slightly at first and my head still throbbed.

I stormed past the nurse's station. They looked up as I passed.

"Abby where are you going" said one of them and started to get up and follow me, "you're not discharged yet. You can't leave."

"Watch me" I screamed and punched the elevator button.

"Abigail, look we just need you for a few more hours and then you can leave, ok?"

"NO!" I screamed "Do you know what it's like to be locked in here! It's HELL! I won't let you keep me here! I'm not going to be sucked back into your 'perfect' world where time just slips away!" I yelled and she looked at little taken a back.

"Abigail please, just lets go back to your room and put you back in bed." She tried softly. She reached out and held my wrist. I tried yanking it away.

"No! No! Stop! No! Please I don't want to I'm…" I stopped and gripped my forehead with my free hand "Oww!" I screamed. It felt like my brain was going to explode. My eyes started to water uncontrollably. My legs shook as if they couldn't support my body anymore. My ears buzzed so loudly that I thought my eardrums might burst. The room was becoming a mass of swirled colors. The floor slipped away and I fell to the ceiling.

"Abby! Abby! What's wrong?" asked the nurse letting go of my wrist as I collapsed to the floor. I clutched my head and screamed out in uncontrollable pain. "Some one get a doctor over here" screamed the nurse. Then I was gone.


	15. Chapter 14

Chapter 14:

Chapter 14: Shed a Tear

_Tap-tap-tap-PING-tap-tap-tap-PING-beep-beep-beep-tap tap-tap-PING._ The sound was as strange as not knowing where you are. Which I guess was sinking in because I had no clue where I was. I was warm. I was wrapped in blankets, I could tell that, but _where_ I was? I didn't know. I opened my eyes slowly and a white wall met my gaze. I wasn't in my room. The sounds weren't from my house. I lifted myself slowly, and my head swirled the walls together. I laid back down.

"Hey" came the soft voice of Karen as she walked over and put her hand in mine. "How yah doing?" she added softly.

"What's going on" I groaned and opened one eye to her. Her face smiled down on me.

"You're sick" she whispered sitting on the bed not letting go of my hand as if I would slip away from her again if she did.

"Oh, so nothing new" I whispered and smiled.

Her face grew sadder "No, you're a little sicker than we thought."

"What is it" I said calmly. I'm not even sure if I really wanted to know. I just kind of knew it was bad by her face.

"You collapsed" she said slowly. "They think you still had some strand of the virus you picked up in the rain. Apparently you weren't suppose to move at that moment." She smiled "let alone run and fight off nurses." Then her face changed and her hand tightened around mine. Her eyes were welling up with tears and she squeezed my hand tighter. "I'm so sorry Abby" she whispered. "I wanted to tell you everything, but I don't know…things got complicated. Are you still mad at me?"

"Yes" I said but smiled at her.

"Abby… don't hate me." She whispered.

"I don't hate you" I answered squeezing her hand, "But please…don't do anything like that again. I don't want to have to whip you into your place like that nurse."

"Fine" Karen whispered smiling.

There are certain looks you get from people when they're fighting an emotional battle inside their heads. They seem as if the world was standing still in front of their eyes yet wars were breaking out inside their minds. The conception on what is right and what is wrong was mixing and mashing and as if you couldn't tell who was a spy and who was true. See I could tell that Karen wanted to tell me what I wanted to hear, but I also saw that Karen wasn't sure what she was doing anymore. Karen is one of those people who hides all her emotions that could really mean anything from the world. She's crazy and fun but she hides what she feels to get over the fact that she hates herself. And that just maybe that she hates her life. Her mother was dead, and to add to it her mother's car had been the one to kill her best friend's sister. How do you live a life like that with out dread? I know she blamed herself that it wasn't Kim sitting beside me holding my hand, but what I didn't understand was how she could. I didn't blame Karen for anything. Well maybe at the moment I blamed her for being dumb, but still Karen wasn't in the car, Karen wasn't driving, Karen wasn't anything her mother was. But yet…Karen still blamed herself…and you could see it in her eyes.

The rest of the day was a daze of people and doctors. Chelsey came later and sat with Karen. I can't even begin to imagine what was going through their minds. All I know is that I was starting to think that maybe my days were shorter then I thought they would be. In truth I didn't want to die. I mean who does? No one in their right minds sits down and thinks they want to die. So as I laid there on my hospital bed I hung onto every inch of life I had. I wasn't giving up yet. As the day wore on the lights outside the window faded. Slowly the walls would stop spinning and I sat up and turned to Karen and Chelsey.

We all looked at each other. I think the thoughts of leaving me to go home had escaped their minds long ago. They had school tomorrow and lives to go back to yet they sat there as if they had no other place to go.

"I'm sorry" I whispered.

"What? Why?" said Chelsey getting up and walking over to the bed. She took her hand into mine.

"No" I whispered unable to look at her eyes. "I'm sorry that I've put you two through this for all these months. You guys should have just given up on me and gone back to your old lives. That's what anyone else would have done."

"Abby, why would we do that?" said Chelsey softly.

"Because now you have to deal with…with…me leaving." I whispered as tears welled up in my eyes.

Silence fell over Chelsey's face. Karen sat silent in her chair looking at the floor.

"Just shut up ok Abby" whispered Karen.

"Karen!" yelled Chelsey.

"No Chelsey listen!" screamed Karen looking up at her and me. "She's dieing! We've known that forever! There's not going to be some miracle! We're as screwed over as we ever were. She's not getting better!" tears were pouring down Karen's face.

"Don't say that!" screamed Chelsey.

"What do you want me to say?!" screamed Karen back. "Look at her! For God's sake look at her!" screamed Karen pointing at me. "She's skin and bones. She's paler than a person who's never seen sun! She's laying in a hospital bed with pieces of her brain gone do you think that's normal! Do you think that anyone greater gives a shit about us? Do you think anyone out there even knows we're alive! Our lives are worthless. We could all die right now and the world wouldn't even shed a tear!" screamed Karen.

"Shut Up!" screamed Chelsey, "Shut up, shut up, shut up!"

"Girls!" yelled my mother as she walked through the doorway and into the room, "What are you doing!" she yelled in a harsh whisper and closed the door into the room behind her.

"I'm leaving" said Karen and picked up her purse.

"What was all the shouting about?" asked my mother looking at the tears and red faces.

"Our God damn friendship!" yelled Karen and stormed out of the room.

My mother looked at the now open door flustered. "What?" she said turning to Chelsey and I.

"Just drop it mom" I whispered and laid back down.

Chelsey got up and said a quick good-bye to my mother. Then she too left my room. The world was crazy, and Karen was right. The world wouldn't shed a tear.


	16. Chapter 15

Chapter 15:

Chapter 15: Last Chance

If you can imagine what it's like to sit in a hospital bed and have absolutely no desire to be there anymore than you know what it's like to be me. The clock ticks off the moments that your life is wasting away and the silence is enough to deafen a person. There is the random clapping of shoes that pass by outside in the hallway and the random out cry of pain but other than that there's silence. I spent a week in my silence…silent and alone.

"Good morning Abigail" said Dr. Wentworth as he walked in for his morning rounds. The silence was broken once a day by is voice and on the off chance I looked sick twice.

I looked towards the window not wanting to look at him. He was the prison guard in this jail.

"How are you feeling" he asked flipping through my chart and looking at the monitor with my pulse and what ever all those other numbers and lines said.

"Fine" I whispered. "I want to go home" I added looking at him.

He looked up from the cart and than back at the monitor. "I'm not sure Abigail" he said with a sigh. He scratched his head and frowned down at the chart.

"I'm not sick in any form other than the fact that I have cancer, let me go home" I said burying my eyes into his.

He looked away uncomfortably "Your mother and I talked and we think it's best that we readmit you permanently."

"I already told you no last time" I whispered "Don't make me stay here to die."

Once again he scratched his head and looked up "Your arm Abigail, the running in the rain, and a boy I here…they're impulsive behaviors that could jeopardize your health. We think…"

"What about what I think" I cut in.

He grimaced and looked back down at the chart. Then he pulled out his stethoscope and leaned me forward and had me breath in and out. He then flipped through the chart some more in silence. "I'll see what I can do" he said and turned to leave. He paused and turned back to look at me "I'll do this if you tell me you won't get in any more trouble, one more accident and you're going to admitted. Is that a deal?"

I shook my head yes.

"Ok then" he sighed and headed towards the lions den that was my mother.

It took a total of nine minutes for the yelling to start. The hallway echoed with the high tones of my mother's voice as the news came her way.

"I will NOT allow this to happen! Do you see how ill she is! I don't know where you learned medicine but I hope to God you haven't killed more patients this way! She's in a fragile state, you said it yourself how could you suddenly think of sending her home!" yelled my mother.

"Abigail has showed signs of recuperating and I feel no need to keep her here against her will" sighed Dr. Wentworth knowing my mother all too well.

"For god's sakes! What are you saying! I have rushed her here twice already and you want to send her home?" persisted my mother.

"Cathy what is going on!" whispered my father as he approached the conversation. His voice was barley audible just outside the door.

"They want to send Abigail home" yelled my mother.

"Well it's about time" said my dad calmly to my mother. My heart raced with excitement. Maybe he really could convince her. Maybe they'd agree for once maybe…my thoughts were cut short by my mother's retort.

"What! I swear you get dumber by the minute Ryan! Maybe you haven't had to sit here everyday with her but I have. And personally I'd like to keep our little girl as long as I can! So if you want to be responsible for another mishap than fine!" yelled my mother and stormed off down the hall her shoes clapping off in the distance.

The door slowly opened and my father walked in. "You better be healthy otherwise I'm going to get it later" he said and smiled "get dressed we're going home."

I smiled at him. "Thank you" I sighed and pulled off the covers. He stood there a second longer and just stared at me.

"Abigail"

"Yup" I said pulling on my jeans.

"Don't make me eat my words" and then the door clicked shut. I turned to look at him but the door was closed. As much as I wanted to believe he thought there had been hope with bring me home I had to second guess myself and realize this was just another failing chance and another step toward the divorce.


	17. Chapter 16

Chapter 16:

Chapter 16: Oh Yeah Did I Mention…

The world that I knew swirled by in a rush of colors as the car sped down the highway. It seemed so strange to me that so many people could be on a road together and have no connection other than the fact that they shared a road. It seemed that as every car drove past us they had a different story to hide and a different destination. No one ever really stops to think what the other people on the road are doing or what their lives are like. Yet here we all are, one on a single street.

The car rounded the corner and pulled onto the main road which a minute later turned onto the circle where I lived. The sun beat down on the parched grass and heat radiated off the pavement. My dad pulled into the driveway and walked around to open my door.

"Why don't you go inside and lay low for the rest of the day" said my dad.

"Yeah, ok" I started up the steps and into the house. The air conditioning made the house about ten degrees cooler than the outside and light sparkled through the windows onto the floor. I flopped down on the couch and picked up the remote. Why is it when you want to watch something there is always nothing on? I mean really it's as if it's planned just so that you _want_ to do something else, when you know you're not suppose to. As I flipped through the channels I found countless cartoons and idiotic programs where contestants had to run obstacle courses to answer question. Then an old time favorite came on the next channel. This game show was basically _always_ on. I watched it when I couldn't sleep in the hospital and when I was sick out of my mind at home. The Price is Right. I thought it was hilarious that people could get so excited about winning prices that really no one wanted. I sat and looked at the contestants, one was a middle aged woman in a bright green shirt that clashed horribly with her red hair and then my eyes drifted over to one of the oldest ladies I have ever seen on this show. I feared that if she had to spin the wheel in the show she'd fall over and get stuck in it as it turned. I had to admit it'd be funny, but then again cruel at the same time.

I nearly jumped out of my seat as the phone next to me rang. _Holy shit_ I thought to myself _that just nearly scared the crap out of me_.

I picked up the phone and just as every other normal American I answered with the boring "Hello?"

"Can I speak with Abby please?" asked a male voice from the other end.

"I'm her."

"Oh! Abby, good. Last time it was your mom and I personally got the feeling she was really mad I called when I told her who I was" said Bobby.

"Yeah…sorry about that. Lets just say she's not in the best mood."

"Oh, I hope she hasn't been taking it out on you."

"No more than she ever has." I laughed softly.

"Well that's good" he was laughing softly in the background too.

"So what's up?" I asked. I felt so out of the loop of things. Suddenly I'm home, suddenly I'm back in the hospital, and now suddenly I'm home again. It was all too much to take in. I felt like I had abandoned Bobby for these past weeks while I was in the hospital and now I wished that I had thought to call him while I was there.

"Nothing much, but I saw you getting out of your car and I wanted to call and see if you were still ok and stuff." _Oh that's so sweet_ I thought to myself.

"No I'm fine again, I just got kind of sick and had to get some antibiotics. No big deal." I said trying to shrug it off as if it really was nothing.

"Oh I thought maybe you went somewhere" he said.

"No I would have called and told you" I said smiling. I was really starting to hope he wasn't mad at me for not calling him.

"Oh well I saw you carrying something hot pink in, so that's why I guessed."

"Oh!" I said shocked "umm, no actually it's a cast. I broke my arm."

"What!" he said shocked.

"Yeah some drunk guy tried to strangle me when I went to the emergency room after I left your house."

"What!"

"It's not like it's your fault so stop freaking" I said.

"Abby!" he said in a state of awe "How could you not tell me all this before now?"

"I don't know, I didn't think you would really want to hear about it."

"Abby you were strangled I think I would want to hear about that!"

"Yeah but I'm fine so there's no need to worry." It felt really nice that he cared. And it wasn't that fake kind of caring either where a person pretends to have sympathy when really all they want is the juicy details on what went down with your near death experience.

"Hey why don't you come over and we can talk" said Bobby.

"I'm not sure if I can...my dad wanted me to stay around the house."

"Come on Abby, nothing's going to happen, I promise."

"I'll see ok, but no promises. If I get sick again they're locking me back up in the hospital."

"Well then you better live while you can…"


	18. Chapter 17

Chapter 17:

Chapter 17: Your Reality

I was being totally idiotic right now, _how could I be doing this right now_ I thought to myself as I walked briskly down the road to Bobby's house. _If I get caught I'm so screwed._ My dad had been called back to work ten minutes ago even thought he was suppose to stay with me, and mom was at work till nine tonight. I would be home way before any of them and I had nothing to fear…right?

I took his front steps two at a time and knocked quickly on the door. Footsteps thundered down the stair to the landing just inside the door and there was Bobby. He pushed open the glass door and let me in.

"Wow, what a rebel" he said grinning. "only took you twenty minutes to decide huh?" He had one of those sly smiles on that told me he knew I'd cave and come.

"Shut up, and let's go inside before someone sees me."

Without another word we walked inside and up into his house. When we were safely out of public view Bobby picked up my arm and examined the pink cast.

"That probably sucks to wear huh" he said and let it fall back to my side.

"Yeah it sucks but what stunk even more was not being able to see you" I said smiling at him. I sounded like such a love sick puppy but I didn't care.

"I know, for a while I was like where did she go? And well now I know."

"You're not mad are you?" I asked.

"No" he said walking towards the family room we had sat in last time. "But I did miss you a lot." He sat and I followed suit.

"So what did you do while I was MIA?"

"Oh nothing really…school…homework…the norm" he said looking at me. "You do look a little paler than last time."

"Please spare me, Karen has told me countless times before that if I was any paler I'd be invisible."

"Tan's over rated" said Bobby.

We both laughed at this comment. He made me feel like…I can't even explain it. It was like he and I were connected in some way that only we understood. We had our own private world of love that no one could intrude on and spoil. We were untouchable to all and to time as well, or as much as anyone can be.

The front door opened and slammed behind the person entering. His feet thundered up the stairs and only briefly paused when the unknown person stopped and looked into the family room he had just entered. He was a taller version of the boy who sat next to me. His hair didn't lay flat almost like he had just rolled out of bed but at the same time worked on his face. He stood around six foot three from what I could tell and crystal blue eyes were nothing other than the perfect genes that resided inside Bobby and him. He held an ipod in his hand and plucked the ear buds out his ears as he stood there.

"Who's the chick?" asked the taller version of Bobby.

"Go away Shane" said Bobby disgusted. Obviously their must be some sibling rivalry going on.

"Man I swear Bobby you pick up as many chicks as..."

"Shane I wouldn't speak unless you want me to tell Angela about that blonde bitch you were with last weekend" said Bobby as if daring his brother to go on.

"Dork" said Shane and placed one ear bud back into his right ear "Guess I'll be seeing you at the party Tomorrow night?" Shane paused and waited for Bobby to answer, but Bobby just turned and looked at me.

A few seconds of awkward silence passed "He means you" said Bobby.

"Oh!" I said as I blushed "umm, I don't know, wait what?"

"Were throwing a bash at Scott's house down the street" said Shane with a sigh and turned to walk out of the room "see you brunet chick"

"Yeah" said Bobby "That'd be Shane, my older brother"

"Seems nice" I said shrugging my shoulders.

"Not exactly the most get to know you kind of person" he said with a snicker.

"So what kind of party is this thing going to be?" I asked cautiously.

"Oh!" he said almost like he suddenly realized I actually had heard his brother "It's just going to be this huge bash tomorrow, Saturday night, and like were going to just all like do the norm"

That really didn't narrow it down for me seeing that I had never gone to one of these "parties" before.

"It'll be like all High School people and a few of us in going freshmen next year. I think David's bring Karen. Anyway it'll just be a bunch of us over at Shane's friend Scott's house" he paused "you should like…try and come" he finished on a slightly hesitant note.

"I'd love to, but I don't know how my parents will take it" I paused while I said it.

"Hey whatever, if you can cool, and if you can't don't sweat it."

"No don't get me wrong I'd love to come, but I don't know my parents are…"

"Over protective freaks?" guessed Bobby.

"Yeah" I sighed.

"You want to know what I think?" asked Bobby.

"What?"

"They're so caught up in trying to keep you safe that they've never let you live a day in your life. You're sheltered and hidden from the real facts of the world. You need to stand up to them and actually live these last few months."

I stared at him. _Sheltered?_ Ah duh! But wasn't I suppose to be? I mean I thought that I had to let them cling to me and fuss over everything. I knew I didn't always like it but it made them happy…it made _them_ happy…not me.

"They're my parents it's not like I ask them to hide me from the "facts of life" as you call it. They just do" I tried to convince him…as I tried to convince myself.

"You think that them rushing you to a hospital every time you get a scratch is normal? You think what they do is really to _help you_…or to help themselves?" challenged Bobby harshly.

"Stop!" I screamed.

Bobby looked taken aback. He cleared his throat then whispered "Sorry".

"No" I paused "it's not your fault I just need to calm down…sorry"

Awkward silence fell. The room seemed to grow around us and I felt myself shrinking into a little insignificant ball right there on the couch as his world came crashing down around me. The walls rose higher and higher and I shrunk into nothing…because he was right.

The air was thick and hard. Every breath causing pain as it ripped through my chest. I sunk lower and lower. I became nothing. I was lost somewhere in the pattern of his couch never to be found again. I was as insignificant of the unnoticed fly on the wall. I was as silent as still wind and yet I felt like screaming. It came to my lips but no sound let out. My brain swirled and mashed all the colors into an array of abstract paintings where all sense of reality slipped away and swam in and out of focus.

A warm hand pulled me back. His fingers slowly intertwined around mine and I felt myself growing in size and the room shrinking back into normalcy. Colors found their shapes and the air lightened. I lifted my chin and tilted my head towards him. My savior. The person who had seen me…heard my calling…and my screams still silent. Bobby's eyes were like great glass cover pools. They drew me in and engulfed me in their warmth. His nose a perfect edge which sloped to his lips which moved forward and pulled me in and then there was no space. All there was was soft lips smoothly against mine. And two thundering hearts.


End file.
